Scene: Frank vs. Literature (“Reading is for the Weak”)
Setting:
A fancy bookshop, the kind where the staff wear glasses even if they don’t need them. There are floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, soft jazz playing, and a distinct lack of screaming children.
Frank, Estelle, and Mrs Warboys enter. Frank is already glaring at the books like they’ve personally wronged him.
Frank vs. Literature Itself
FRANK: (scoffing) I don’t trust books.
ESTELLE: (sighing) … Here we go.
FRANK: Think about it! They’re just trees wearing tiny coats, filled with words designed to control your mind.
ESTELLE: (rubbing temples) I… I don’t even know where to start.
MRS WARBOYS: (cheerfully) Oh, I love books! You learn so much.
FRANK: No! You think you’re learning! But in reality, you’re just downloading some dead guy’s opinions into your brain! It’s brainwashing.
A staff member overhears this and visibly recoils.
BOOKSHOP EMPLOYEE: (clearly regretting his job) …Sir, books are for education and enrichment.
FRANK: Oh, so you’re in on it.
BOOKSHOP EMPLOYEE: (sighs) Here we go.
Frank vs. the Classics (“Old Books Are Just Ancient Clickbait”)
They walk past a display of classic literature.
Frank picks up a copy of Moby-Dick and flips through it.
FRANK: (reading out loud, unimpressed) “Call me Ishmael.”
He snaps the book shut.
FRANK: Oh, Ishmael, is it? … What, too good for a last name?
ESTELLE: Frank, you moron, that’s not the point—
FRANK: What’s this even about?
BOOKSHOP EMPLOYEE: It’s a metaphor for obsession and self-destruction.
FRANK: No. It’s a long-winded fishing trip.
He shoves the book back on the shelf like it insulted his mother.
Then he picks up 1984.
FRANK: Oh, this one’s obviously nonsense. If Big Brother were real, he’d be incompetent and orange.
ESTELLE: (glaring) We are leaving this aisle.
Frank vs. Poetry (“Rhyming is a Scam”)
Frank wanders into the poetry section. He picks up a collection of Shakespearean sonnets.
FRANK: Poetry’s just sentences with a limp.
MRS WARBOYS: Oh, but it’s so beautiful! The way words flow, the emotions, the—
Frank randomly flips to a page and reads aloud in a completely butchered attempt at Shakespearean delivery.
FRANK: (squinting) “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? / Thou art more lovely and more temperate—”
He snorts.
FRANK: This guy’s chatting up the weather.
ESTELLE: (exasperated) He’s comparing someone to summer. It’s romantic.
FRANK: If a bloke compared me to summer, I’d punch him in the face.
BOOKSHOP EMPLOYEE: (gritting teeth) It’s about beauty and impermanence.
FRANK: It’s about a man trying too hard.
He slams the book shut and moves on.
Frank vs. Self-Help Books (“Lies for the Weak”)
They reach the Self-Help section.
Frank grimaces at the book titles.
FRANK: (scoffing) Oh, look, a section for gullible idiots.
BOOKSHOP EMPLOYEE: Sir, these books help people improve their lives.
FRANK: No. They scam desperate people into believing that smiling at their problems will make them go away.
He picks up The Secret and flips through it.
FRANK: (reading sarcastically) “If you just believe good things will happen, the universe will provide.”
He snaps the book shut.
FRANK: Oh, fantastic! I’ll just manifest a pint and see if it appears.
He closes his eyes, holds out his hand… and waits.
Nothing happens.
ESTELLE: (deadpan) Maybe the universe doesn’t serve alcohol to idiots.
Frank vs. Children’s Books (“Propaganda for Toddlers”)
Frank stumbles into the Children’s Book section.
He grabs a copy of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
FRANK: (flipping through it, frowning) Wait. This bug just eats all day and then gets rewarded by becoming a butterfly?
MRS WARBOYS: (smiling) Isn’t it wonderful?
FRANK: No! This is socialist propaganda! The caterpillar does nothing useful and just magically gets promoted.
A nearby mother pulls her child away.
MOTHER: (whispering to child) Don’t look at the angry man, darling.
The Grand Exit: Defeated by a Book
Finally, Estelle grabs Frank’s arm.
ESTELLE: We are leaving.
Frank yanks his arm away—and immediately trips over a pile of books.
He faceplants into a display titled:
📚 “The Joy of Reading!” 📚
A large hardcover book falls off the top shelf…
…and smacks him directly on the head.
Frank groans and stares at the cover.
It reads:
📖 “HOW TO EMBRACE NEW IDEAS.” 📖
Estelle bursts out laughing.
ESTELLE: (grinning) Oh, the irony.
MRS WARBOYS: (helping Frank up) Well, Frank, you always say books are dangerous.
FRANK: (grumbling, rubbing head) Yeah. And I’m still right.
FADE TO BLACK.
