SCENE: The Game Show Stage
The set is over-the-top opulent, decorated with gold-plated everything and giant dollar signs. The host, Big Brother Trump, stands at the centre, grinning like he just got away with something (again).
Three suit-clad contestants sit at podiums:
- Chet VanderGreed – Hedge fund manager, known for foreclosing orphanages.
- Madison Trustwell III – Heir to a pharmaceutical empire, somehow still receiving subsidies.
- Doug "Wolf of Main Street" Flannigan – Local landlord who charges pet rent for goldfish.
The audience is filled with soulless accountants, political lobbyists, and billionaires who clap with the enthusiasm of people who just got a tax cut.
ROUND 1: CREATIVE ACCOUNTING 101
BIG BROTHER TRUMP:
"Okay, folks, time for Round One: Creative Accounting! The goal? Hide as much money as possible while technically staying legal. First up—Chet!"
CHET: (smugly)
"I’ve reclassified my private jet as an ‘emotional support vehicle’ for my dog. Full tax write-off!"
BIG BROTHER TRUMP: (nodding approvingly)
"Genius. I do love dogs. Unless they’re losers. Madison, your turn!"
MADISON: (flicks back expensive hair)
"I filed my beachfront mansion as a ‘low-income housing project’ because my butler’s nephew stayed in the guest house once."
BIG BROTHER TRUMP:
"Classic! That’s what I call trickle-down economics!" (laughs at own joke, audience nervously joins in.)
"Doug, what about you?"
DOUG: (smugly)
"I charged my tenants a ‘luxury air’ fee for breathing inside the building. That fee was then written off as ‘maintenance costs.’"
BIG BROTHER TRUMP: (clapping)
"I love it. I really do. So innovative. The air? The best. So much better than poor people air. Moving on!"
ROUND 2: LOBBYIST LIGHTNING ROUND
Contestants must bribe a politician in under 30 seconds!
BIG BROTHER TRUMP:
"Alright, folks, welcome to the Lobbyist Lightning Round! The question is: how do you buy influence without getting caught? Madison, go!"
MADISON:
"Easy. I donate $10 million to a senator’s re-election fund, then a PAC ‘coincidentally’ funds my company’s tax breaks. Legal? Yes. Ethical? Pfft."
BIG BROTHER TRUMP: (laughing)
"Fantastic! I like you. You’re going places. Chet?"
CHET:
"I give politicians free luxury vacations and label them ‘policy research retreats.’ Next thing you know, boom—corporate tax cuts!"
BIG BROTHER TRUMP:
"I LOVE tax cuts! Doug, what do you have?"
DOUG: (shrugs)
"I just marry into a powerful family and let nepotism do the work."
BIG BROTHER TRUMP: (pointing finger guns)
"Smart. That’s how real winners do it. Alright, let’s move on!"
FINAL ROUND: THE ULTIMATE BAILOUT
Contestants must crash the economy but still get the government to bail them out!
BIG BROTHER TRUMP:
"Alright, the economy is tanking. People are suffering. What do you do? Chet, go!"
CHET: (grinning)
"Declare bankruptcy on all my bad investments—but keep my bonuses. Then, take a government bailout and use it for executive bonuses!"
BIG BROTHER TRUMP:
"Oh, I love a good bankruptcy! Beautiful. Madison?"
MADISON:
"Simple. I manufacture a fake crisis, tank my own company’s stock, buy it back at rock-bottom prices, and then take a bailout. Free money!"
BIG BROTHER TRUMP: (clapping like a seal)
"Absolutely incredible. Doug?"
DOUG:
"Convince people the government helping regular folks is socialism, but giving me money is ‘stimulating the economy.’ Works every time."
BIG BROTHER TRUMP: (shedding a single patriotic tear)
"That… that was beautiful. I think I just saw capitalism ascend to a higher plane of existence." (turns to the audience)
"Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for our contestants—true patriots! And now, the winner gets an all-expenses-paid trip to the Cayman Islands, where their money already lives!"
THE WINNER? EVERYONE (WHO’S ALREADY RICH.)
As confetti made of shredded tax forms rains down, the audience cheers—but quietly, as their PR teams have advised them not to be seen celebrating too much.
Meanwhile, in the background, a janitor earning minimum wage shakes his head in disgust.
JANITOR (muttering):
"And I get taxed more than these crooks."
FREEZE FRAME. ROLL CREDITS. 🎬
