Anti-Vaxxers' Medical Wonderland – Welcome to the Past, Idiots
SCENE 1 – THE PERFECT SOCIETY
(A group of anti-vaxxers wake up in what appears to be a charming medieval village. No hospitals, no syringes, just open-air markets, farm animals wandering the streets, and a soothing lack of scientific progress.)
KAREN (sniffing the air, pleased): Finally! A society free from Big Pharma’s poison!
TODD (stretching, relieved): Breathe in that fresh, unvaccinated air! No microchips, no GMOs, no toxins—
(A distant scream. A man stumbles out of an alley, covered in grotesque, oozing buboes.)
DYING MAN (wheezing): Help… me…
KAREN (shrugging, turning away): Meh. Detox.
SCENE 2 – NATURAL REMEDIES
(The group wanders into a “healer’s hut” where a local apothecary is crushing herbs with a rock.)
APOTHECARY (cheerfully): Got a sniffle? Some crushed pigeon livers should clear that right up!
TODD (nodding sagely): Yes! Natural medicine!
(Behind him, a sick child coughs violently.)
KAREN (tilting head): Wait, what’s wrong with her?
APOTHECARY (chuckling): Oh, just the smallpox. Lucky kid survived this long!
TODD (nervous laughter): …But she can, like, cure it, right?
APOTHECARY (grinning, holding up a leech): That depends. Do you like your blood inside your body or in a jar?
(The child drops dead mid-conversation.)
KAREN (stammering): But… but essential oils…
APOTHECARY (pats her on the head): Oh, honey, we tried oils. They just made the bodies smell better.
(A bell rings outside. A cart rumbles by.)
CART DRIVER (calling out cheerfully): BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!
(Karen and Todd exchange looks.)
SCENE 3 – "BIG PHARMA" WASN’T THE PROBLEM
(The group runs through the village, dodging plague victims and shambling survivors. They come across a group of villagers having a serious discussion.)
VILLAGER #1 (scratching lice from hair): Maybe… just maybe… disease isn’t caused by demons or bad vibes.
VILLAGER #2 (rubbing chin thoughtfully): Maybe… washing hands could help?
(Villagers erupt into laughter.)
VILLAGER #1 (mocking): Oh, right! And next you’ll say drinking water should be CLEAN!
KAREN (screaming at them): You don’t understand! We came from a time where we already KNEW all this! And then we ignored it! We CHOSE this!
VILLAGER #3 (aghast): You had vaccines and you… didn’t take them?
(A stunned silence. Even the rats pause.)
TODD (sheepish): Yeah… we kinda thought they were a scam?
VILLAGER #2 (horrified whisper): These people are even dumber than we are.
SCENE 4 – TOO LATE FOR REGRETS
(The plague doctor—dressed in the classic bird mask—arrives, shaking his head.)
PLAGUE DOCTOR: Ah. More idiots. What’s your ailment?
TODD (panicking): Uh… do you have… I dunno… penicillin?
PLAGUE DOCTOR (laughing hysterically): Oh, that’s adorable.
(He hands Todd a dead rat.)
PLAGUE DOCTOR: Try rubbing this on your face.
(A woman in the background drops dead. A priest reads her last rites while coughing blood.)
KAREN (falling to her knees, sobbing): I want my Pfizer!
(The sky darkens. Thunder rumbles. The distant cackle of the Grim Reaper echoes through the village.)
CUT TO BLACK.
TEXT ON SCREEN:
"Natural immunity isn’t as fun as it sounded, huh?"
FADE OUT.
