PRE-MATCH MADNESS
The scene was set: an enormous pit filled with churning, boiling water that smelled like despair and expired seafood. Leviathan, the towering, serpentine monstrosity, poked its colossal head out of the pit, its eyes glowing like angry lighthouses.
Leviathan: (roaring, shaking the entire arena) “WHO DARES CHALLENGE ME?”
Frank: (immediately throwing down the rope) “Nope. Nope. I’m out. Let the damn orangutan handle this one.”
Estelle: (grabbing Frank by the collar) “Don’t you dare embarrass me in front of Satan again! You’ve got dad bod strength! Use it!”
Donald the Orangutan: (already trying to wrangle Leviathan with the rope, wearing a snorkel and flippers) “I’m going to tweet about this! ‘The greatest tug of war match in history, featuring yours truly!’”
Satan: (hovering dramatically above the pit) “Alright, mortals and misfits, let’s keep this clean—except we won’t—and may the best beast win. Oh, and if Leviathan eats any of you, that’s just part of the fun.”
Frigidor Dalek: (visibly vibrating with annoyance) “WHY DO I KEEP GETTING DRAGGED INTO THESE RIDICULOUS SCENARIOS? I SHOULD BE PAINTING!”
Zoot: (still giggling from the sidelines, twirling a flaming pom-pom) “Oh, darling, the drama of it all! Isn’t Leviathan just dreamy?”
THE TEAMS
TEAM LEVIATHAN: Consisting of, well, Leviathan and its natural-born advantage of being 1,000 times the size of its opponents. Its "hype crew" included screaming banshees and a choir of drowned sailors who sang sea shanties with depressing lyrics like, “Yo ho ho, we’ve all been crushed!”
TEAM IN OVER THEIR HEADS: Frank, Estelle, Donald, Frigidor Dalek, Elon (with repaired spring shoes that now made fart noises every time he bounced), and Satan’s "ringer" pick—a sarcastic, chain-smoking squid named Maurice.
Maurice the Squid: (lighting a cigarette with a tiny match) “Look, I don’t want to be here either, but apparently my contract says I have to participate in ‘team-building activities.’ Let’s get this over with.”
ROUND ONE: LEVIATHAN STRIKES FIRST
The rope was barely in position when Leviathan gave it one sharp tug, instantly dragging the entire team five feet forward.
Frank: (clinging desperately to the rope) “What the hell is this thing eating? Cement trucks?!”
Leviathan: (snarling) “I ATE YOUR HOPE AND YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW’S MEATLOAF RECIPE!”
Estelle: (screaming back) “THAT MEATLOAF RECIPE IS A TREASURE, YOU OVERGROWN EEL!”
Donald, meanwhile, decided to “take initiative” by climbing the rope once again and waving a tiny American flag at Leviathan.
Donald the Orangutan: (taunting) “You think you’re big? You’re nothing! I’m the greatest of all time!”
Leviathan responded by flicking Donald off the rope with its tail, sending him flying into Satan’s lap.
Satan: (laughing maniacally) “Oh, Donald, you truly are hell’s gift to comedy.”
ROUND TWO: COUNTERSTRATEGY
Determined not to lose, Estelle formulated a plan.
Estelle: “Frigidor, open up that fridge of yours and toss some ice cubes into the water! Let’s slow this thing down!”
Frigidor Dalek: (reluctantly complying) “MY ARTISTIC INTEGRITY IS BEING COMPROMISED, BUT FINE.”
With a loud hiss, Frigidor dumped a heap of ice into the boiling pit. Steam rose, obscuring Leviathan’s vision.
Maurice the Squid: (rolling his eyes, puffing smoke) “Oh sure, blind the giant sea monster. Great plan. What’s next? Tap-dancing lessons for me?”
In the confusion, Elon sprang into action—literally.
Elon the Muskrat: (bouncing onto Leviathan’s head) “I’m going to disrupt its neural network! Hold my springs!”
Leviathan: (roaring, trying to shake Elon off) “WHAT IS THIS SQUEAKY RODENT DOING ON MY FOREHEAD?!”
THE FINAL SHOWDOWN
With Leviathan distracted, Frank and Estelle saw their chance.
Estelle: (yelling) “PULL, FRANK! PULL LIKE YOU’VE NEVER PULLED BEFORE!”
Frank: (sweating profusely) “I never pull! That’s why I’ve got back problems!”
The tug-of-war reached its climax as Leviathan reared back, preparing for one final, devastating yank.
Leviathan: (gleefully) “PREPARE TO LOSE, MORTALS!”
But at the last second, Maurice the Squid launched himself into Leviathan’s face, slapping it repeatedly with his tentacles.
Maurice the Squid: (screaming) “GET SOME, YOU OVERSIZED SUSHI PLATTER!”
The distraction was enough for Team In Over Their Heads to pull Leviathan forward, toppling it into the pit with a thunderous splash.
Satan: (howling with laughter) “Oh, that was priceless! Maurice, you beautiful calamari, you’ve earned yourself a promotion!”
Maurice the Squid: (exhaling smoke, looking unimpressed) “Just make sure it comes with dental.”
POST-GAME CHAOS
As Leviathan slithered back into the depths, Frank collapsed onto the ground, wheezing.
Frank: “I’m done. I’m never pulling another rope in my life.”
Estelle: (beaming) “You did great, Frank! Now we’ve got one more game to go.”
Frank: (panicking) “One more? What could possibly be left?”
Satan: (grinning mischievously) “Oh, just a little something called Demonic Mini-Golf. You’ll love it.”
