Host: "Welcome to Mastermind. Tonight’s contestant is Zoot from Castle Anthrax, whose specialist subject is ‘Medieval Torture Devices That Double as Kinky Fun.’ Zoot, you have two minutes on your specialist subject, starting now."
Host: "What medieval torture device, often associated with religious persecution, encased victims in a hollowed-out metal effigy of a woman?"
Zoot: [Eyes twinkling] "That would be the Iron Maiden. She’s a bit stiff, but she really knows how to hold someone tight. Although, if you’re into sharp edges, darling, there are far more... pliable options these days."
[Audience erupts in laughter; host adjusts tie nervously.]
Host: "What device, primarily designed to crush a person’s fingers, was sometimes used for recreational purposes in the 14th century?"
Zoot: [Giggling mischievously] "Oh, the thumbscrews! A delightful invention—perfect for a little foreplay. Though I prefer something with a better grip… if you know what I mean."
[Host’s face turns bright red.]
Host: "What torture chair, fitted with spikes, was designed to immobilise victims while causing extreme pain?"
Zoot: [Feigning innocence] "The Judas Chair! Such a charming piece of furniture. I’ve got one in my parlour—it really spices up tea time. The trick is to lean just right so you don’t ruin your gown!"
[The audience is in stitches as the host fumbles his cards.]
Host: "What device used water droplets to slowly drive a person mad over time?"
Zoot: [Leaning forward conspiratorially] "Oh, the Chinese Water Torture! It’s all about setting the mood, you see. Drip... drip... drip... the anticipation is delicious. Though I wouldn’t recommend it for first dates. Too... messy."
[Host mutters something about “editorial standards” while the audience roars.]
Host: "What 16th-century device involved a cage and a rat to terrorise victims?"
Zoot: [Throwing her head back laughing] "Ah, the Rat Cage! Such a naughty little contraption! Nothing gets the blood flowing like a warm, wriggly rodent. Though I must admit, I prefer something... fur-free."
[Host visibly panics and drinks from his water glass.]
Host: "What torture device, also known as the Pear of Anguish, was designed to be inserted into... er... various body parts and then expanded?"
Zoot: [Coyly twirling her hair] "Oh, the Pear of Anguish! Such a versatile tool. You just have to be careful where you... insert it. Unless, of course, you’re feeling extra adventurous!"
[The host audibly gasps; someone in the audience drops their popcorn.]
Host: "Final question: What execution device, introduced in 1789, used a falling blade to decapitate its victims?"
Zoot: [Grinning ear to ear] "Ah, the guillotine! Such clean lines, such precision. A shame it’s fallen out of fashion. But, if you’re looking for a good time, darling, just remember... head first."
[The audience loses it; the host signals for the commercial break.]
Host: "Time's up. Zoot, you’ve scored... well, I don’t think anyone’s paying attention to the points anymore."
Zoot: [Purring] "Oh, darling, I wasn’t here to win. I was here to... entertain."
[The studio erupts into cheers and catcalls as Zoot sashays offstage.]
