Scene: The PFJ cave. Reg, Judith, and Stan (Loretta) are seated at the table, surrounded by crumpled protest posters. A shadow looms at the entrance. Enter Donald Trump, wearing a golden toga emblazoned with the words ‘Make Judea Great Again.’
Reg: “Who are you, then?”
Trump: (Waving dramatically) “Who am I? I’m the greatest revolutionary you’ll ever meet. People say I’m the best at revolutions. Nobody does revolutions better than me. I’ve come to save your little group. It’s a disaster right now, believe me.”
Judith: “Save us? We don’t need saving.”
Trump: “Oh, you do. You’re small, you’re weak, and frankly, nobody’s talking about you. Sad! But I’m here to fix that. I’ve got the best ideas. Tremendous ideas. We’re going to fight the Romans, and we’re going to win. Big league.”
Reg: “Alright, what’s your plan?”
Trump: “Glad you asked. First, we build a wall.”
Judith: “A wall?”
Trump: “The biggest, most beautiful wall you’ve ever seen. We’re going to surround the Romans with it. Lock them in. They won’t know what hit them. And guess what? We’re going to make the Romans pay for it.”
Stan/Loretta: “How exactly do you plan to make the Romans pay for a wall that traps them?”
Trump: “Easy. I’ll negotiate. I’m the best negotiator, everyone says so. I’ll tell them, ‘Look, you’ve got a lot of problems—too many sandals, crumbling aqueducts, nobody respects you anymore. But I can help you if you pay for the wall.’ They’ll fold. They always do.”
Reg: “That’s... not how revolutions work.”
Trump: “Wrong. Revolutions are all about branding. And I’ve got the best brand: ‘Make Judea Great Again.’ Hats, togas, banners—you name it. We’re going to sell so much merchandise, the Romans will tremble at our wealth. Tremble!”
Judith: “We’re not here to make money!”
Trump: “Not with that attitude, you’re not. Look, you’ve got to think like a winner. Winners win. Losers... well, they sit in caves complaining about sandal taxes.”
Reg: (Fuming) “We’re resisting oppression, not running a business!”
Trump: “Resistance is overrated. You know what works? Deals. I’ll sit down with Pilate, man to man. He’ll be begging for mercy by the end of it. I’ll say, ‘Pilate, listen. You’re in trouble. The sandals are falling apart, your aqueducts are a mess, and people don’t like you. But I can save you. Just give Judea its freedom, and we’ll call it even.’”
Judith: “Do you even know what freedom means?”
Trump: “Of course I do. Freedom is me doing whatever I want and everyone loving it. Simple.”
Stan/Loretta: “What about the oppressed masses?”
Trump: “Masses? You mean the crowds? Oh, they love me. Everywhere I go, it’s cheers, it’s applause. Even the Romans love me. Secretly, of course, but they love me. You should see the letters they send.”
Reg: “I’ve had enough. You’re arrogant, clueless, and completely out of touch with what we’re trying to achieve!”
Trump: (Pouting) “Typical fake news. You can’t handle a winner in your group. That’s fine. I’ll start my own revolutionary movement. Bigger, better, smarter. And I’ll call it... the Judean People’s Front.”
Judith: “That’s already a thing!”
Trump: “Then I’ll call it the Trump People’s Front. Believe me, everyone will want to join. Your movement is dead. Dead!”
Reg: “Get out of here, you lunatic!”
Trump: (Storming out) “You’ll regret this. You’ll be begging me to come back when the Romans build their next aqueduct! And you know what? I won’t. Sad!”
Cut to: Trump holding a rally in the Judean desert, promising to rename Jerusalem ‘Trump City’ and install golden chariots for everyone.
