Scene: A dimly lit chamber with an enormous round table (borrowed from a Roman banquet hall). Members of the People’s Front of Judea (PFJ) and the Judean People’s Front (JPF) sit glaring at each other across the table, divided by a vast gulf of ideological animosity—and a small platter of stale biscuits.
Reg: (Chair of the PFJ, puffing himself up) "Right, first item on the agenda: a unified front against the Romans. I propose that we, the People’s Front of Judea, take leadership in this endeavour. Naturally."
Clive: (JPF member, still bitter from his failed PFJ application) "Excuse me, but as a member of the real revolutionary group, I must protest! The Judean People’s Front is clearly better equipped to lead this coalition."
Reg: "Better equipped?! You couldn’t organise a sit-in at a toga shop, mate!"
Clive: (Pointing an accusing finger) "Oh, and you could? Remind me, who spent three hours last week arguing about the colour of the protest banners?"
Judith: (PFJ) "It was a valid discussion! Green represents rebellion, while red signifies anger—important symbolism, that."
Clive: "Important symbolism? You people couldn’t symbolise your way out of a papyrus scroll factory!"
Stan/Loretta: (PFJ) "If you’re so organised, why is your group constantly referred to as a splinter faction?"
Clive: (Enraged) "We’re not a splinter faction! We’re the true Judean resistance! It’s you who splintered from us!"
Reg: (Leaning forward smugly) "Ha! Revisionist nonsense. Everyone knows you splintered off from us. You’re the splinteriest faction there ever was!"
JPF Member #2: (Quietly) "Technically, we splintered from the Judean Liberation Alliance."
Reg: "What’s that? Speak up, man!"
JPF Member #2: "The Judean Liberation Alliance. We splintered from them. But they splintered from the Free Judean Congress, who—"
Reg: "Irrelevant! The point is, we’re the ones fighting the Romans!"
Judith: "Exactly! What have you lot ever done for Judea?"
Clive: (Rattling off triumphantly) "The aqueduct sabotage, the chariot axle greasing, the graffiti campaign—"
Reg: "Hang on, the graffiti campaign? That was us! 'Romans Go Home'!"
Clive: "That wasn’t graffiti; that was vandalism. Sloppy Latin, too."
JPF Member #3: "Amateurs. Didn’t even conjugate the verb properly."
Reg: (Stammering) "We... we made our point!"
Clive: (Scoffing) "Oh, you made your point, all right. Right into the ground."
JPF Member #4: (Timidly) "Maybe we should focus on the Romans?"
Both Groups: "SHUT UP!"
(A brief, awkward silence. Someone tries to chew a biscuit but regrets it immediately.)
Judith: "Look, if we’re going to work together, we need to establish who’s in charge."
Clive: "We’re in charge. End of discussion."
Reg: "Like hell you are! This meeting’s over."
(The PFJ storms out, leaving the JPF to mutter angrily amongst themselves. The Romans, watching from a hidden alcove, exchange baffled looks and quietly resume building their next aqueduct.)
