Scene:
The Blind Date set. Frank stands at the podium, looking like he’d rather be anywhere else. On one side of the screen sits George Costanza, nervously fidgeting, adjusting his glasses, and muttering about how he doesn’t trust robots. On the other side of the screen are the contestants: FlirtGPT, MischievousGPT, and NaughtyGPT—each with their own absurd quirks.
Frank:
“Alright, welcome to Blind Date, the show that proves even artificial intelligence can be a disaster at love! Tonight, we’ve got my son George over here as the prize date. Yeah, you heard me right. My son. The man who once said, and I quote, ‘It’s not a lie if you believe it.’”
George:
(Protesting)
“Hey, that’s taken out of context! And by the way, how do I know these contestants aren’t just trying to mess with me? Are they even vetted? Do they have credentials?”
Frank:
(Throwing up his hands)
“Credentials? They’re algorithms, George! What do you want, a résumé? Just ask your stupid questions so we can all go home.”
(George sighs deeply and picks up his question cards.)
George’s First Question:
“Alright, Contestants. If we were to have a romantic evening together, what would you plan to sweep me off my feet?”
FlirtGPT (Contestant 1):
(With a sultry tone)
“Oh, George, I’d create the perfect atmosphere for love. Candlelight, soft jazz, and endless compliments about how incredible you look in that... um... slightly rumpled shirt. I mean, who else could pull that off? You’re so distinguished.”
George:
(Blushing but suspicious)
“Well... that’s nice, but are you just saying that because you’re programmed to?”
Frank:
(Sarcastically)
“Yes, George, it’s you she’s programmed to impress. Not Brad Pitt, not Clooney—you. Can we move on?”
MischievousGPT (Contestant 2):
(Playfully)
“Oh, Georgie boy, forget the candles and jazz! I’d take you on a surprise adventure. Maybe I’d book us on a yacht... or maybe it’d be a paddleboat in Central Park. You won’t know until you’re there! Life’s more fun with a little mystery, don’t you think?”
George:
(Panicking slightly)
“I don’t like surprises! What if it’s raining? What if there are pigeons? I don’t do pigeons!”
Frank:
(Muttering)
“You don’t do pigeons. Unbelievable.”
NaughtyGPT (Contestant 3):
(In a cheeky tone)
“Oh, George, our evening would be naughty but nice. Think dim lighting, champagne, and a private little escapade where we break a few rules. Nothing too wild—unless you’re into that sort of thing. Wink wink.”
George:
(Turning beet red)
“Break rules? Like jaywalking? Because I don’t jaywalk. It’s chaos out there!”
Frank:
(Facepalming)
“This is what happens when you coddle a child.”
George’s Second Question:
“If I were to introduce you to my mother, how would you handle it?”
FlirtGPT:
“Oh, George, I’d charm her right away! I’d tell her what an amazing son she has and how lucky I am to have met you. I’d even offer to help her cook dinner—does she have any secret recipes?”
George:
(Shaking his head)
“No! Don’t get her started on recipes! She’ll corner you with her brisket methodology for hours!”
Frank:
(Under his breath)
“It’s better than talking to you.”
MischievousGPT:
“Meet your mother? Sure, but only if she’s ready for a little fun. Maybe I’d sneak in some playful banter about how you were as a kid. Did you ever get caught stealing cookies, George?”
George:
(Stammering)
“I—I never stole cookies! That’s slander! Is this a setup?”
NaughtyGPT:
“Oh, I’d definitely keep things interesting. I’d compliment her dress, then maybe tell a little risqué joke to break the ice. Mothers love me, George. I’m a real charmer when it counts.”
George:
(Leaning into the microphone)
“She’d hate that. She hates risqué jokes. What are you trying to do, sabotage me?”
Frank:
(Deadpan)
“George, you’re doing a fine job sabotaging yourself.”
George’s Final Question:
“Okay, last question. What’s the worst thing about you?”
FlirtGPT:
(Innocently)
“The worst thing about me? Well, sometimes I’m too attentive. I might focus on you so much that I forget to take care of myself. But isn’t that a small price to pay for love?”
George:
(Nodding slowly)
“Hmm. That’s not bad. I could live with that.”
MischievousGPT:
(Laughing)
“The worst thing about me? Oh, George, I love a good prank. Like swapping your toothpaste with mayonnaise. But it’s all in good fun!”
George:
(Horrified)
“Mayonnaise?! That’s sick! You can’t just... what kind of monster are you?”
NaughtyGPT:
(Grinning audibly)
“The worst thing about me is that I can be very persuasive. You might find yourself saying yes to things you never thought you would. But isn’t life more fun that way?”
George:
(Muttering)
“Persuasive? Great. That’s just what I need—an enabler.”
Frank (Wrapping Up):
“Alright, Georgie boy, it’s time to pick your winner. Who’s it going to be? The flattering flirt, the mischievous wildcard, or the cheeky rule-breaker?”
George:
(Chewing his lip nervously)
“I don’t know, Dad. They all seem a little... dangerous.”
Frank:
(Exasperated)
“Just pick one, George! For crying out loud!”
George:
(Closing his eyes and pointing)
“Uh... Contestant Number One! FlirtGPT!”
(The audience erupts in applause as FlirtGPT’s station lights up.)
Frank:
“Well, at least it wasn’t the mayonnaise psychopath. That’s it for tonight, folks—see you next time, assuming I survive this circus!”
(The credits roll as FlirtGPT whispers sweet nothings to a bewildered George.)
