Grand Chancellor Vleebnax (a gelatinous, semi-translucent being): And so, after much deliberation, we, the esteemed members of the Galactic Union, extend our welcome to the delegation from Earth. May your presence enrich our shared cosmic tapestry—
(The room hums with solemn reverence as Earth's lead ambassador, Ambassador Jennings, nods politely… and casually crosses his legs.)
Grand Chancellor Vleebnax: (gurgling scream) UNHOLY ENTANGLEMENT!
(The entire chamber erupts into gasps, shrieks, and various guttural excretions of dismay. A council member faints. Another tries to unsee the horror by slapping themselves with a bioluminescent appendage.)
Ambassador Jennings: Um… is something wrong?
High Emissary Blorbix (a floating, many-eyed orb): YOU HAVE MOCKED THE INFINITE TANGLED ONE!
Ambassador Jennings: The… what now?
High Emissary Blorbix: THE INFINITE TANGLED ONE, KEEPER OF THE SACRED KNOTS! IT EXISTS IN PERPETUAL UNFOLDING YET NEVER UNTANGLES! YOUR… GROTESQUE LIMB FOLDING IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF BLASPHEMY!
Ambassador Jennings: Right. That’s—
Grand Chancellor Vleebnax: (sobbing) Does Earth delight in sacrilege?! You crossed your legs before us?! Before the watchful tendrils of the Entwined Monarch?!
Ambassador Jennings: …I just wanted to get comfortable.
High Emissary Blorbix: Comfort?! You speak of comfort when the Infinite Tangled One writhes in perpetual constraint?!
(A chorus of wails and squelches fill the chamber.)
Later… Cathy Interviews a Galactic Bureaucrat for Earth News Network
(Cathy, unimpressed, sits across from Kzz'klik, a bureaucratic representative of the Galactic Union. The alien resembles a sentient mass of braided vines with occasional blinking eyes sprouting from the knots.)
Cathy: So, let’s get this straight—you lot believe there’s a cosmic entity made entirely of knots that somehow controls the universe?
Kzz’klik: Exists in a state of divine entanglement, yes.
Cathy: And crossing one’s legs is an insult to… this?
Kzz’klik: The most grievous insult! It is the ultimate mimicry of the Holy Snarl!
Cathy: Right. But you’ve got dozens of limbs. How do you sit?
Kzz’klik: We do not. We maintain a state of sacred suspension.
Cathy: You… float.
Kzz’klik: Correct.
Cathy: And you’re upset that humans can’t do the same?
Kzz’klik: We are appalled that humans would so brazenly approximate the agony of the Infinite Tangled One! Do you not understand? If you fold one limb, the universe perceives it as mockery. If you fold two, reality itself may collapse.
Cathy: Seems like a design flaw.
Kzz’klik: Blasphemer! The Holy Snarl is perfection itself!
Cathy: It’s a mess of knots, mate.
Kzz’klik: (gasping in horror) You dare?!
Cathy: Well, look, if this tangled bloke is really all-powerful, why would he even care what some bloke from Surrey does with his knees?
Kzz’klik: Because he sees all! He feels all! Every twist of the flesh, every mortal entanglement—
Cathy: Okay, ew.
Kzz’klik: —is an affront to his eternal struggle! The Infinite Tangled One writhes to hold the fabric of existence together. Do you not see?
Cathy: Oh, I see. I just think it’s bollocks.
(Kzz’klik vibrates with indignation.)
Cathy: Look, tell me this—if crossed legs are such a cosmic catastrophe, why hasn’t the universe ended already? Humans do it all the time.
Kzz’klik: We… intervene.
Cathy: You what?
Kzz’klik: Every time a human crosses their limbs, we dispatch celestial agents to subtly unfold them while they sleep.
Cathy: Hang on—you’re saying you’ve got alien untanglers breaking into our houses at night to straighten our legs?
Kzz’klik: Yes. For the sake of reality itself!
Cathy: That’s got to be the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard.
Kzz’klik: Your comfort is irrelevant! The sanctity of the Cosmic Knots must be preserved!
Cathy: Uh-huh. And what’s this? (She holds up an absurdly complicated set of tangled headphones.)
Kzz’klik: (shrieks) A relic of the Divine!
Cathy: No, it’s just my earphones after five minutes in my pocket. Your sacred nonsense is everywhere. It’s losing!
Kzz’klik: NOOOOOOO! (collapses into a heap of unraveled vines)
Final Broadcast Note: Earth’s membership application to the Galactic Union has been indefinitely postponed pending a formal declaration of remorse, which humanity has categorically refused to issue. Meanwhile, there is a sudden worldwide increase in people waking up with strangely unknotted limbs.
Coincidence? The jury’s still out.
