[INT. COSTANZA HOUSE - DAY]
(Frank Costanza sits at the kitchen table, reading a letter with increasing fury. Estelle Costanza stands nearby, drying a plate, oblivious to the storm brewing.)
FRANK: (grumbling) What the hell is this?!
ESTELLE: (without looking up) What’s what?
FRANK: This letter! It says we’ve been chosen as the new King and Queen of... Liechtenstein?!
ESTELLE: (snapping around) I KNEW IT! I TOLD YOU NOT TO ENTER THOSE SWEEPSTAKES! But no, you had to send in those little postcards—
FRANK: I DIDN’T ENTER ANY SWEEPSTAKES! Who enters a sweepstakes for a monarchy?!
(Frank slams the letter on the table. Estelle snatches it up and reads it aloud.)
ESTELLE: "By unanimous decision of the Liechtenstein Royal Committee, you have been selected as the rightful rulers. You are to report immediately for coronation." (beat) WELL, I CAN’T JUST PICK UP AND MOVE TO LIECHTENSTEIN! I HAVEN’T EVEN PACKED THE GOOD TOWELS!
FRANK: Who are these people?! What kind of country just GIVES AWAY THE THRONE?!
(A sudden, insistent knocking at the door.)
ESTELLE: Oh, no. That’s them! THEY’VE COME TO TAKE US!
(Frank marches to the door and swings it open. Two men in suits and a woman in royal attire stand there, serious.)
OFFICIAL: Mr. and Mrs. Costanza, we are here to escort you to Liechtenstein. Your nation awaits.
FRANK: (jabbing a finger) Listen here, buster! I don't know what kind of Mickey Mouse operation you're running, but I am NOT being dragged to some foreign country to wear a crown like some kind of—
ESTELLE: (interrupting, panicked) WHAT DO WE EVEN EAT IN LIECHTENSTEIN?!
OFFICIAL: Primarily cheese and pastries—
FRANK: (gritted teeth) I’M LACTOSE INTOLERANT! You expect me to rule a country where I can’t eat the national cuisine?!
(At this moment, the door swings open again. George enters, takes one look at the officials, his raving parents, and the letter, sighs deeply.)
GEORGE: Yeah. Yeah, of course this is happening.
ESTELLE: GEORGE, THEY’RE TAKING US TO LIECHTENSTEIN! SAVE US!
GEORGE: (pinching the bridge of his nose) I don’t even know where Liechtenstein is.
FRANK: (throwing his arms up) NOBODY KNOWS WHERE IT IS! THAT’S WHY THEY’RE TRYING TO GIVE IT AWAY!
(The officials calmly produce a set of crowns. Frank slaps his out of their hands.)
FRANK: I DON'T WEAR HATS! YOU HEAR ME?! I DON'T WEAR HATS!
(Chaos erupts. Estelle shrieks about her good china, Frank starts demanding to see "this so-called constitution" while George rubs his temples. The officials remain eerily patient. A neighbour walking by glances in, shakes their head, and keeps walking.)
SMASH CUT TO:
[INT. AIRPORT - NIGHT]
(Frank and Estelle, now wearing their crowns begrudgingly, sit grumpily at the gate, surrounded by dignitaries. George sits beside them, arms crossed.)
GEORGE: You know, I gotta say… this is still better than spending the weekend with Uncle Leo.
(Frank just glares as we FADE TO BLACK.)
