Title: A Most Unusual Debate: The Shape of the Earth
Setting: The St. James Society for Learned Discourse, a club of oak-panelled walls, deep leather armchairs, and an atmosphere thick with cigar smoke and the scent of sherry.
Chairman: "Gentlemen—and, regrettably, I am obliged to include the term 'activists' in this august gathering—our debate this evening concerns the question: Is the Earth, as modern science suggests, round, or—as our esteemed opposition contends—flat? Representing the Flat Earth League, we have Mr. Throckmorton J. Blenkinsop and Professor Archibald Flummery. Opposing them, in favour of the round Earth, are Mr. Bertram Wooster and his esteemed valet, Jeeves."
(Polite applause, though Bertie looks distinctly perturbed.)
Throckmorton Blenkinsop: "Ladies and gentlemen, the evidence is irrefutable! Have any of you personally seen this so-called 'curvature'? I put it to you: no, you have not! The horizon remains as flat as a well-ironed trouser leg. What’s more, if the world were a sphere, wouldn’t we all simply roll off?"
(Murmurs of approval from the Flat Earth section, notably from a gentleman with a beard of conspiratorial length.)
Bertram Wooster (rising hesitantly): "Now see here, my good fellow, that’s all very well, but if you chaps are right, how do you explain the fact that when one sets off in one direction, one doesn’t eventually plummet off the edge into the abyss? I mean, it stands to reason that if the world were flat, Aunt Agatha would have packed me off the side years ago."
Professor Flummery: "Ah, you see, the Antarctic Ice Wall! A colossal barricade of frozen matter prevents all egress!"
Jeeves (calmly adjusting his cufflinks): "If I may interject, sir. This so-called ‘ice wall’ has been traversed and mapped extensively. Moreover, the principles of celestial navigation and gravitational theory strongly contradict your position."
Throckmorton Blenkinsop (triumphantly): "Gravity! Aha! The great hoax! Merely density and buoyancy at play! Why, if gravity were real, how do you explain birds? They should be plummeting to the ground like particularly tragic soufflés!"
(At this, the Flat Earthers nod sagely, as if they have scored an undeniable victory.)
Bertie (bewildered): "Jeeves, do we have a counter for that particular brand of twaddle?"
Jeeves: "Indeed, sir. The concept of lift, as discovered by Sir George Cayley in 1799, adequately accounts for avian locomotion. Additionally, if gravity were an illusion, the phenomenon of tides, influenced by lunar gravitational forces, would be inexplicable."
Professor Flummery (sputtering): "Pah! Tides! Water merely sloshing about! The moon’s influence is another lie perpetuated by Big Astronomy!"
(At this, a distinguished member of the club, Lord Brangthorp, leans forward in alarm, having been a personal friend of Big Astronomy for some years.)
Throckmorton Blenkinsop: "And another thing! If the Earth were a spinning ball, wouldn’t we all be flung off like a chap on a particularly vigorous fairground ride? And yet here we sit, untouched!"
Bertie: "Because of gravity! Honestly, old bean, do keep up!"
Jeeves: "Indeed, sir. The force you refer to, centripetal force, counteracts the effects of inertia. Without it, I daresay your tea would perpetually be in peril."
Professor Flummery: "Nonsense! This debate is merely proof of the conspiracy! The forces of the Round Earth Establishment have muddled your minds! But we have documents—documents, I say!—proving that the United Nations’ logo shows a flat Earth! Why would they do that if it weren’t the truth?"
Bertie (aside to Jeeves): "Jeeves, I feel this is rather like trying to argue with a particularly stubborn hatstand."
Jeeves (soothingly): "An apt comparison, sir. I suspect the reasoning employed by the opposition is impervious to the rigours of logic."
Chairman (standing): "Gentlemen, we must adjourn, for we have reached that most perilous of moments in a learned discussion—the point where reason has fled and lunacy reigns supreme. As no agreement seems forthcoming, I declare this debate concluded. Let us retire for brandy and hope, however vainly, that sense prevails."
(The Flat Earth contingent storms out, declaring victory. The Wodehouse Goodfellows settle into their armchairs, Bertie sighing with relief as Jeeves presents him with a restorative beverage.)
Bertie: "Jeeves, is there a cure for listening to impenetrable piffle?"
Jeeves: "A double whisky and a good lie down, sir."
(Fade to black.)