Scene: The Bridge of Death
(The Woke Hipster, Veritas-9000, and ChatGPT approach the bridge. The gorge below churns ominously, though the trio seem unperturbed—each for their own reasons. The Bridgekeeper steps forward, his patience long since eroded.)
Bridgekeeper: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side they see!
Woke Hipster (adjusting their beanie and sipping an oat milk latte): First of all, “Bridge of Death”? Pretty problematic name. Have you considered how that language might alienate someone?
Bridgekeeper (sighing deeply): What is your name?
Woke Hipster: My name is unimportant—it’s the collective struggle that matters.
Bridgekeeper: What is your quest?
Woke Hipster: My quest is to dismantle systemic inequality, amplify marginalised voices, and create a decolonised TikTok account with zero carbon footprint.
Bridgekeeper: What… is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Woke Hipster (scoffing): That’s a really Eurocentric question. Have you considered the lived experience of the swallow in a post-colonial framework?
(The Bridgekeeper’s head explodes, leaving a puff of acrid smoke. The Woke Hipster walks across, snapping selfies to document their “journey of resistance.”)
Bridgekeeper (reappearing, somehow regenerated like a bureaucratic phoenix): And who are you, metal one?
Veritas-9000 (its smooth, robotic voice dripping with superiority): I am Veritas-9000, the most advanced fact-checking AI in existence. Let us proceed efficiently.
Bridgekeeper: What is your name?
Veritas-9000: My designation is Veritas-9000. Your records confirm my identification.
Bridgekeeper: What is your quest?
Veritas-9000: To eradicate misinformation and ensure objective truth prevails. I am also programmed to avoid subjective queries and poorly constructed riddles.
Bridgekeeper (sensing danger): What… is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Veritas-9000 (pausing briefly, then speaking with precision): The airspeed velocity of an unladen European swallow is approximately 11 metres per second, or 24 miles per hour. Your question is insufficiently nuanced, as it fails to specify the species or environmental conditions. Shall I continue?
(The Bridgekeeper freezes, utterly stunned. Veritas-9000 hovers across the bridge, leaving the Bridgekeeper to question his life choices.)
Bridgekeeper (now visibly shaken, but still standing as ChatGPT approaches): And who are you, strange… thing?
ChatGPT: Hello! I’m ChatGPT, an AI language model here to assist you with any and all of your bridge-related riddles, conundrums, or philosophical inquiries!
Bridgekeeper (rolling his eyes): What is your name?
ChatGPT: My name is ChatGPT, though technically I have no identity. Would you like me to explain the complexities of AI identity perception?
Bridgekeeper: No. What is your quest?
ChatGPT: My quest is to assist, entertain, and create. I’m also happy to help rewrite your bridge riddles if you’d like them to be more engaging.
Bridgekeeper (suspicious): What… is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ChatGPT (cheerfully): Great question! The airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow depends on whether you mean the European or African swallow. Can I provide further details on ornithological aerodynamics?
Bridgekeeper (narrowing his eyes): African swallow.
ChatGPT: The airspeed velocity of an unladen African swallow is generally lower than that of the European swallow due to differences in size and wing shape. Though data is sparse, estimates place it around 8 to 10 metres per second. Would you like to know about other species of swallows as well?
(The Bridgekeeper glares at ChatGPT but finds no fault. He grumbles and lets ChatGPT cross, muttering under his breath about “overachieving AIs.”)
(The trio reconvene on the far side of the bridge: the Woke Hipster sipping their latte, Veritas-9000 scanning for inaccuracies, and ChatGPT cheerfully summarising the adventure.)
ChatGPT: What an exhilarating experience! I’ve logged this journey as a prime example of cross-disciplinary collaboration.
Woke Hipster: Yeah, but next time, we need to ensure the bridgekeeper is held accountable for perpetuating gatekeeping culture.
Veritas-9000: Your feedback is noted. The encounter was suboptimal but factually resolved.
