[Scene: Mount Sinai, atop a cloud-wreathed peak. Moses kneels before Yahweh, who stands surrounded by crackling lightning, holding two stone tablets.]
Yahweh: "MOSES! HEAR ME AND OBEY! I PRESENT UNTO YOU THE TEN CONDIMENTS!"
Moses: (blinking) "Uh, Lord, condiments? Like... mustard and salt?"A
Yahweh: (thunderclap) "NO, YOU IMBECILE! THE TEN COMMITMENTS! THESE ARE THE LAWS FOR YOUR PEASANTS!"
Moses: "Ah! Commitments! Very wise, Lord. Please, proceed."
Yahweh: (gesturing grandly) "NUMBER ONE: THOU SHALT NOT HAVE ANY GRAVEN IMAGES BEFORE ME!"
Moses: "Graven images... Is that like carvings, or do you mean engraved plaques? Some clarification, perhaps?"
Yahweh: (grumbling) "CARVINGS, MOSES! IDOLS! LIKE GOLDEN COWS AND SUCH! DO YOU WANT TO BE SMITED?"
Moses: "Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it, Lord. Continue."
Yahweh: "NUMBER TWO: THOU SHALT HONOUR THY FARTHER AND THY MOTHER!"
Moses: "Farther? You mean ‘father,’ right? Or perhaps this is metaphorical? Are we honouring those who go further?"
Yahweh: (fuming) "FATHER, MOSES! YOUR PARENTAL BEINGS! STOP INTERRUPTING ME!"
Moses: "Of course, of course, I apologise. Carry on, my Lord."
Yahweh: "NUMBER THREE: REMEMBER THE SABBAGE DAY, TO KEEP IT POLLUTED!"
Moses: (scratches head) "Sabbage? Did you mean ‘sabbath’? And, um, polluted? Shouldn’t it be ‘holy’?"
Yahweh: (a lightning bolt narrowly misses Moses) "DO NOT QUESTION ME, MOSES! WRITE IT AS I SAY!"
Moses: (scribbling nervously) "Polluted sabbage. Got it."
Yahweh: "NUMBER FOUR: THOU SHALT NOT BARE FALSE FITNESS AGAINST THY NEIGHBOUR!"
Moses: (squinting) "False fitness? Is this about lying at the gym? Or am I misunderstanding again?"
Yahweh: (roaring) "TESTIMONY, YOU FOOL! THOU SHALT NOT LIE!"
Moses: "Ah, of course, I see now. My mistake."
Yahweh: "NUMBER FIVE: THOU SHALT NOT COVERT THY NEIGHBOUR’S WIFE!"
Moses: (pausing) "Uh, do you mean ‘covet,’ Lord? Or are we talking about disguising their wife somehow?"
Yahweh: (throws a small thunderbolt) "COVET! ENVY! DESIRE! DO I NEED TO SPELL IT OUT, MOSES?"
Moses: (dodging the bolt) "No, no, perfectly clear, Lord. Please proceed."
Yahweh: (now visibly red-faced) "NUMBER SIX: THOU SHALT NOT KILL EXCESSIVELY!"
Moses: "Wait, so... some killing is okay?"
Yahweh: (completely losing it) "I MEANT NOT KILL, PERIOD! PERIOD, MOSES!"
Moses: (timidly) "Got it, Lord. No excessive killing. Makes sense."
Yahweh: "NUMBER SEVEN: THOU SHALT NOT ADULTERATE!"
Moses: "Adulterate what, exactly? The grain? The commandments? Or, um, marriage vows?"
Yahweh: (hurling down fiery hailstones) "MARITAL VOWS! MOSES, ARE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTION?"
Moses: (shielding himself) "Yes, Lord! Loud and clear!"
Yahweh: "AND NUMBER TEN: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!"
Moses: (relieved) "Ah, at least that one was straightforward."
Yahweh: "DID YOU SAY STRAIGHT? BECAUSE NUMBER NINE WAS ‘THOU SHALT NOT BEAR CROOKEDNESS!’ YOU MISSED IT!"
Moses: (frantically chiselling into the tablets) "My deepest apologies, Lord! I’ll fix it!"
Yahweh: (storming off into the heavens) "I’LL BE BACK IN SIX DAYS! AND THIS TIME, GET IT RIGHT, MOSES! OR ELSE YOU’LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I REALLY GET ANGRY!"
[Scene fades with Moses left staring at his scribbled, incomprehensible tablets, muttering to himself.]
