[Scene: The Bridge of Death. George Costanza, reluctantly flanked by his parents, Frank and Estelle, approaches the Keeper of the Bridge. The gorge below seems deeper and mistier than ever.]
Keeper: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three—ere the other side he see.
George: (Nervously adjusting his shirt) Oh, great, questions. I’m not good with pressure. Why do these things always happen to me?
Frank: (Shouting) You’re already whining, George? Answer the man’s questions and stop embarrassing the family!
Estelle: (Waving her arms) Embarrassing? Do you know how embarrassing it is to have a son who still can’t hold down a job? I told you, George, you should’ve been an architect!
Keeper: Silence! Who approaches the Bridge of Death?
George: (Flinching) Uh, hi. It’s me, George Costanza. Can we just get this over with?
Keeper: What… is your name?
George: George Costanza.
Keeper: What… is your quest?
George: My quest? (Pauses, panicking) I—I don’t know. To get through this bridge alive, I guess?
Keeper: What… is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
George: (Eyes widening) African or European?
Keeper: (Surprised) Oh. Right. That’s correct. You may pass.
[George, stunned, shuffles forward but turns to see his parents squabbling behind him.]
Keeper: Who’s next?
Frank: (Pushing Estelle aside) I’ll go! I’m not afraid of some lousy questions. You think I’m afraid of you, buddy? I’ve been through the Korean War!
Estelle: (Hands on her hips) You’re always bragging about the war, Frank! What does that have to do with crossing a bridge?
Keeper: (Impatient) What… is your name?
Frank: Frank Costanza! And I demand respect!
Keeper: What… is your quest?
Frank: My quest? (Thinks) My quest is to find peace! Peace and quiet from my wife’s constant yammering!
Estelle: (Screaming) Yammering? Yammering? You think this is yammering? I should’ve married Marvin Grossman!
Keeper: (Rolling his eyes) What… is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Frank: (Exploding) I don’t know that! Why would I know that? You think I’m some kind of bird expert?
[Frank is magically launched into the gorge, shaking his fist as he disappears.]
Keeper: (Turning to Estelle) And you?
Estelle: (Pointing at the gorge) Did you see that? That’s the thanks I get after 40 years of marriage! Fine. Let’s do this. What’s the first question?
Keeper: What… is your name?
Estelle: Estelle Costanza.
Keeper: What… is your quest?
Estelle: (Snapping) My quest is to see my son finally become something! Is that too much to ask?
Keeper: What… is the capital of Assyria?
Estelle: (Scoffing) Oh, I don’t know. Do I look like a geography teacher? Ask me something useful, like how to make a brisket!
[Estelle is magically launched into the gorge, her shrieks echoing below.]
