Scene: The Planet of the Apes Arena
The scene is set in the grand ape arena, with towering stone columns and a primitive vibe. Apes sit in the bleachers, watching curiously as Donald Trump, inexplicably transported from his own time to theirs, stands on a small stage in front of them. He’s wearing a suit that’s clearly too formal for the occasion, a red tie hanging low, and holding a microphone with far too much confidence.
Trump: [In his booming voice, addressing the apes with exaggerated hand gestures] “Okay, okay, listen up, folks. I know you’re all looking at me like, ‘Who is this guy?’ But trust me, I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to this place. I’ve seen it all—all of it—planets, galaxies, you name it. And I’ve made them great. I’m going to make this planet great again—huge—you’ll love it. Believe me.”
The apes look at each other, confused. Some grunt quietly, not sure if they should be impressed or frightened.
Trump: “You see, folks, I’m a winner. A winner. Nobody wins like I do. I know how to run things, believe me. I’ll build huge walls. Huge! And we’ll keep the humans out. Who needs humans, right? You’re the apes. You’re the real winners here. I’m just here to help you win even more.”
An ape in the crowd grunts skeptically, raising a hand.
Ape: “What’s a wall?”
Trump: “It’s—look, it’s like a really big... thing. You’ll understand when you see it. Huge, okay? We’re going to build the best walls. And you’re gonna love it, trust me. We’re going to keep the bad stuff out, and make sure only the best stuff comes in. The best bananas. The finest trees. You’ll be living in luxury.”
The apes look at each other, unsure whether to laugh or throw something. Trump paces a little, catching his own rhythm.
Trump: “And you know what else? We’re gonna make sure everyone is rich. I mean really rich. You think you’ve seen wealth? You haven’t seen wealth until you’ve seen what I can do. I’ve got the best things, folks. The best. Just wait until you get a load of this gold.”
Trump pulls out a massive, comically oversized gold coin that looks like something you’d find in a novelty shop.
Trump: “This is the real deal. The best gold. Pure gold, folks. Nobody knows gold like I do. Trust me, you’ll never see gold like this again. Believe me.”
An ape raises an eyebrow.
Ape: “That’s... a chocolate coin.”
Trump: “No, no! It’s real gold! Believe me. The best gold. This is a huge coin. The best.”
Trump, trying to steer the conversation back on track, motions dramatically toward the crowd.
Trump: “Look, folks, I’m gonna make your jungle the best. The most powerful jungle. You’re going to be kings of the jungle, not just... apes sitting around in trees. This is going to be a beautiful jungle. I know how to make things big. Huge. You won’t even recognise it.”
He gestures widely, trying to make his point, but the apes are still largely uninterested. An orangutan steps forward from the crowd, wearing a MAGA hat and an orange robe that’s just a tad too tight.
Orangutan: [Strutting forward, holding a box with "MAJOR GIFT" written on it] “Look, folks, forget about that little gold coin. This is the gift you need. I’m talking pure gold, the finest, the best. Nobody knows gold like I know gold. Believe me.”
Trump glares at the orangutan.
Trump: “Excuse me, buddy, but I’m the best at gold. You’re just giving away boxes. My coin? Real gold. Believe me.”
Before the orangutan can respond, a hipster-woke ape swings into view. He’s got an oversized "UNITY THROUGH DIVERSITY" flag and a copy of The Communist Manifesto in one hand, and a reusable water bottle in the other. The apes murmur in confusion as he strides onto the stage.
Hipster Woke Ape: [Flipping his glasses up dramatically] “I bring you the gift of equality, of empowerment! Forget gold, forget walls, forget all of that. Capitalism is the real issue here, man. It’s all about deconstructing everything—everything. We need to stop focusing on material goods, and focus on sustainable, eco-friendly quinoa.”
He throws a handful of quinoa into the air like confetti. The apes stare, utterly baffled.
Trump: “Quinoa? Are you kidding me? What’s quinoa going to do for you? This is a jungle, buddy. You need real wealth, not... whatever that is. My gold coin? It’s the best. Trust me.”
The apes begin to murmur amongst themselves, and the tension between Trump, the orangutan, and the hipster-woke ape reaches a boiling point.
Trump: [Pointing wildly] “I’m telling you, I know how to win. I know how to make you all the best. We’ll make the apes great again. Believe me. You’ll love it.”
The apes, still confused, begin chanting "Make the Apes Great Again" in their ape language, imitating Trump's exaggerated hand gestures and his infamous catchphrase.
Trump: [Smiling smugly, thinking he’s won them over] “Now, that’s what I like to hear. I’m the best, folks. Believe me. You won’t regret it.”
