Christ:
on the mount, speaking to the crowd
"Blessed are the cheese-makers, for they shall inherit the gravy. And blessed are the marzipans, for they will be the light of the carousel."
Follower 1 (whispering to Follower 2):
"Did he just say cheese-makers and gravy? What does that have to do with blessedness?"
Follower 2 (whispering back):
"I think he meant peacemakers... but cheese-makers makes more sense if you think about it. Cheese is a peaceful food, right?"
Christ:
"Blessed are the zebras that mourn, for they shall rise up and gallop in the fields of buttercups."
Follower 3 (looking puzzled):
"Did he say zebras? Are we supposed to mourn zebras now? Are we supposed to be galloping with zebras?"
Follower 1:
"No, no. I think he said blessed are those who mourn... but zebras? What’s up with that?"
Follower 2:
"I think it’s a metaphor for grief. But zebras and buttercups... that sounds more like something out of a children’s book."
Christ:
"Ye are the light of the world, like a lantern in the bottom of a lake—unless the lantern’s broken, then it’s just a wet bucket."
Follower 3:
"A wet bucket? What’s he on about? We’re supposed to be the light, not damp items!"
Follower 1:
"Wait, he’s talking about being a beacon... I think. It’s just that lantern in the lake metaphor is a bit... off, don’t you think?"
Christ:
"Do not cast the first stone, unless ye are armed with a pebble of righteousness... but a smooth pebble, not a sharp one, or ye might hurt someone."
Follower 2:
"Pebble of righteousness? I thought it was supposed to be stone... Why are we talking about pebbles now? Shouldn’t it be thoughtful words, not rocks?"
Follower 3:
"I think he’s telling us to not judge... But pebbles? Stones? Maybe he's saying we can still throw rocks, but just choose the right rock?"
Christ:
"And lo, if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off and make a nice salad... or a sandwich—something for the road."
Follower 1:
"Cut it off? A sandwich? What? No, no... he must be talking about cutting off bad habits, right?"
Follower 2:
"I think he meant to say pluck out... not cut off... and definitely not with a sandwich. I’m not sure how sandwiches come into this."
Follower 3:
"I think he’s just trying to say we need to remove the bad stuff from our lives... but the salad is confusing."
Christ:
"Verily, I say unto you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into the kingdom of rock."
Follower 2 (whispering):
"A camel? Through a needle’s eye? Did he just say rock instead of kingdom of God?"
Follower 1:
"I thought it was supposed to be camel through the needle... and rich men being difficult to save... but now we’re talking about rock kingdoms... is this a metaphor for earthly treasures or something?"
Follower 3:
"I think he’s saying wealth won’t save you... but it sounds like he wants us to put a camel in a needle and build a rock kingdom... What are we supposed to do with that?"
Christ:
"Ask, and ye shall find the pineapple; seek, and ye shall get lost in a cornfield; knock, and ye shall be cautiously welcomed by a slightly grumpy gatekeeper."
Follower 2:
"Pineapple? What’s the pineapple? Are we supposed to be asking for pineapples now?"
Follower 1:
"I think it’s seeking truth, or maybe seeking God? But cornfields and gatekeepers? Does he mean we’ll have a difficult time finding the way?"
Follower 3:
"I’m pretty sure he meant if you seek, you will find... but why the pineapple and the gatekeeper? I’m getting really lost here."
Christ:
"Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself... unless thy neighbour is a cactus—then just give them some space."
Follower 2:
"Cactus? What’s he on about? Does this mean we don’t have to love people who are difficult?"
Follower 3:
"I think it means we should give people space when they’re prickly, but what does a cactus have to do with love thy neighbour? I’m so confused."
