Scene: Shoreditch Café – "Malaprop and Matcha"
A Woke Hipster sits with Mrs. Malaprop, who is dressed in an outfit that’s an unintentional mash-up of Regency elegance and Shoreditch thrift. She sips daintily from a mason jar filled with kombucha, oblivious to the fact that she’s wearing a tea cosy as a hat.
Woke Hipster:
[Gesturing enthusiastically]
"So, like, we need to dismantle the toxic frameworks of late-stage capitalism. It’s not just about consumption; it’s about post-consumption. You feel me?"
Mrs. Malaprop:
[Beaming]
"Oh, indubitably! One must always combat the constraints of crapitalism. It’s like the old proverb says: ‘One man’s trash is another man’s soufflé.’"
Woke Hipster:
[Pausing mid-sip of matcha]
"Um, close enough. But yeah, totally. The systems are, like, irredeemably extractive. That’s why I only buy pre-loved clothes. Every thread tells a story."
Mrs. Malaprop:
[Excitedly nodding]
"Oh yes, I adore pre-deceased fashion! There’s nothing like the smell of artificiality to bring out one’s enthusiasm."
Woke Hipster:
[Squinting, unsure]
"Uh, you mean ‘authenticity’? Anyway, I thrifted this jacket from a co-op that donates all its proceeds to decolonial praxis. It’s about wearing history, you know?"
Mrs. Malaprop:
[Clapping her hands]
"History, yes! My good friend Mrs. Lumplump always says, ‘The pen is muddier than the word!’ Such profoundness, don’t you think?"
Woke Hipster:
[Adjusting glasses, attempting patience]
"Right. So, it’s also about collective action. Like, we can’t just thrift and call it a day. We have to disrupt. Smash the system!"
Mrs. Malaprop:
[Delighted]
"Oh, absolutely! Smash it into a millionth pieces! And then glue it back together with eco-friendly resignation."
Woke Hipster:
[Trying to keep up]
"You mean ‘resin’? Sure, let’s roll with that. But it’s not just about the material—it’s about the message. Like, why perpetuate hierarchy when we can cultivate horizontality?"
Mrs. Malaprop:
[Wide-eyed with enthusiasm]
"Oh, the horror of sensuality! That’s what we must abolish!"
Woke Hipster:
[Choking slightly on their matcha]
"Um… I think you mean ‘hierarchy’? Sensuality is… something else."
Mrs. Malaprop:
[Waving a hand dismissively]
"Oh, six of one, half a desert of the other! What matters is the ideolation behind the gesture. And you, my dear, are such a vicarious young soul!"
Woke Hipster:
[Desperately sipping matcha to regain composure]
"I… thank you? Look, what I’m saying is, the world needs praxis, not just theory. We have to do something."
Mrs. Malaprop:
[Leaning in conspiratorially]
"Precisely! One must always be practicalist. Why, just last week, I turned my crumpets into compost. It was revolutionary! Quite literally—I gave them a little spin in the backyard."
Woke Hipster:
[Staring into the distance, visibly exhausted]
"I think we’re saying the same thing… maybe? Or, like, different things in the same vibe?"
Mrs. Malaprop:
[Triumphant]
"Exactly! We’re both singing from the same machine hymn. Now, shall we toast to the downfall of cappuccinoism?"
Title: Miscommunicated, But Make It Ethical
A touching tale of two worlds colliding over kombucha and conceptual confusion.
