Donald Trump’s “Make Unemployment Great Again” Rally
Scene: A sparse auditorium. The audience is a mix of laid-off workers, philosophy majors, and people who just showed up for the free snacks. A giant inflatable piggy bank with a deflated side dominates the stage. Trump walks out, waving enthusiastically, to the theme from Rocky, but played on a kazoo.
Trump:
"Ladies and gentlemen, jobless and proud, it’s so good to see you here today. Or, you know, not see you working. Today, we’re starting a movement. A big one. A tremendous one. We’re going to Make Unemployment Great Again!"
(The audience cheers weakly. Someone shouts, “Do we still get benefits?” Trump gives a thumbs-up without answering.)
Trump:
"Look, let’s face it. Working is overrated. Why wake up early, wear a tie, sit in traffic, and answer to some boss named Steve who microwaves fish in the office? It’s insanity! Folks, unemployment is the ultimate freedom. It’s like retirement, but without the golf or the guilt!"
(A woman in the front row claps while eating a bag of crisps.)
Trump:
"Let’s talk history, folks. Some of the greatest people in the world were unemployed. Van Gogh? No day job. Shakespeare? Probably between gigs when he wrote those plays. And me? I’ve been between jobs a few times. It builds character!"
(The crowd nods in agreement. A guy in a “World’s Okayest Worker” T-shirt raises his fist in solidarity.)
Trump:
"Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Donald, how do we make unemployment great again?’ And I’ll tell you. We’re going to rebrand it. No more ‘unemployed.’ That’s a sad word. Too negative. From now on, we’re calling it ‘funemployed.’ You’re not jobless; you’re joy-fulled!"
(The crowd murmurs approvingly. A guy in the back yells, “Sign me up!” Trump points at him like a rock star.)
Trump:
"And listen, folks. We’re going to bring pride back to unemployment. No more filling out résumés or pretending to ‘network.’ Nope. We’re going to start parades. Funemployment Parades! Floats, confetti, giant balloons of famous slackers—Bart Simpson, The Dude, and maybe a big balloon of me lounging on a gold-plated recliner. Beautiful!"
(The crowd chants, “Parade! Parade!” Someone blows an air horn.)
Trump:
"And benefits, folks, let’s not forget. We’ll expand benefits. Universal Wi-Fi, free Netflix subscriptions, and weekly pizza deliveries. That’s the new unemployment package. Oh, and no more job interviews! Those are torture. If they want you, they should just swipe right on your LinkedIn."
(A woman in the third row yells, “Finally!” while holding up her phone.)
Trump:
"But we won’t stop there, folks. We’ll create a whole economy around unemployment. Forget Silicon Valley—it’s Sloth Valley now! Apps for lounging, seminars on perfecting the nap, and a reality show called ‘America’s Next Top Couch Potato.’ And believe me, folks, I’d win. I’m great at relaxing."
(The crowd gives a standing ovation, but half sit down halfway through because it’s too much effort.)
Trump:
"So remember, folks, unemployment isn’t a problem. It’s an opportunity. Together, we’ll Make Unemployment Great Again. And I promise, when we’re done, no one will ever want to work again. Believe me."
(He tosses novelty cheques for $1.25 into the crowd as people scramble half-heartedly. The lights dim, and a sad trombone plays him offstage. The slogan “No Work, No Worries!” flashes on the screen as everyone files out at a leisurely pace.)
End scene.
