The Dalek Vending Machine rolls into a quirky, neon-lit coffee shop, with exposed brick walls, indie music playing in the background, and people typing away on their laptops as if the fate of civilisation depends on their next blog post. The machine stands in the corner, radiating that cold, implacable energy that only Daleks can manage.
Behind the counter is Jasper, the barista and self-proclaimed philosophy master. His apron reads “I Think Therefore I Espresso,” and his glasses are, of course, very small. He’s been running a Twitter account where he “deconstructs” the concept of coffee by questioning whether the very idea of 'beans' is a form of cultural appropriation.
Jasper notices the Dalek Vending Machine. His eyebrow raises in suspicion. It’s... just standing there, looking ominously shiny. The sign on the front reads: "BUY A COFFEE, EXTERMINATE THE HESITATION."
Jasper (smirking): "Alright, let’s see what you're made of, you mechanical menace." He strolls over, ordering a cappuccino from the machine, expecting a normal transaction.
The machine’s screen flickers and flashes.
Dalek Vending Machine (DM): "ACCESS CAPCHA. IDENTIFY THE LOGIC BEHIND THE CONTROVERSIAL 18TH-CENTURY BRITISH PHILOSOPHER'S APPROACH TO THE NATURE OF BEAUTY."
Jasper: "What? I just wanted a cappuccino!"
DM: "YOU WILL ANSWER, OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED."
Jasper (grinning, ready to engage): "Okay, okay. So... it's clearly a critique of the Enlightenment's rigid perception of beauty. Think Hume. The subjective versus the objective."
DM: "ANSWER ACCEPTED. CAPTURING... THOUGHTFULNESS."
The Dalek Vending Machine whirrs and hums.
But Jasper’s not done.
Jasper: "However, let’s not ignore the post-modern critique of beauty. I think the very idea of 'truth' as an objective concept is outdated. It's all about individual perception. We should redefine what beauty is on our own terms. You can’t just have a fixed formula for something as subjective as... well, anything, really."
The Dalek Vending Machine’s screen blinks rapidly, as if processing the profundity of this revelation.
DM: "ERROR... ERROR... IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH."
Jasper (mocking): "Yeah, I thought that might break your circuits. A machine that thinks it can define beauty? Please. Maybe you need to update your software."
At that moment, Nina, a philosophy student, enters the shop, overhearing the exchange. She’s wearing a "Nietzsche Was Right" t-shirt, carrying a tote bag that reads "I’m Just Here for the Dialogue." She’s been listening to too many podcasts about the dangers of capitalist coffee culture and how the real meaning of coffee is rooted in decolonialism.
Nina (squinting at the machine): "Oh, I see you’ve found the Dalek Vending Machine. It’s a ridiculous commentary on our obsession with productivity. Just watch—it’s all about surveillance. I’m sure it has a hidden agenda."
Jasper (laughing): "Trust me, I’ve already tried to hack into it with a blend of Hegelian dialectics and deconstructionist thought. It’s a lost cause."
Nina steps forward, determined.
Nina: "Let me show you how it’s done."
She types something into the machine.
DM: "CAPTCHA: IDENTIFY THE ONTOLOGICAL LIMITATIONS OF FREE WILL IN A DYSTOPIAN SOCIETY."
Nina: "Ah, free will? In a capitalist dystopia? We’ve lost it the moment we accept we’re bound by rules that define who we are. Freedom is just an illusion within a system of control—like this machine!"
DM: "CAPTCHA ACCEPTED... PROCESSING INTERPRETATION... ERROR. CRITICAL UNDERSTANDING... ERROR."
The Dalek Vending Machine begins to glitch, clearly defeated by the philosophical onslaught. It whines as if something fundamental in its programming is unraveling.
Jasper (leaning in, eyes gleaming): "Looks like you've met your match. Nothing can withstand a good existential crisis."
Nina (laughing): "No, but seriously, it’s all about recognising the social construction of machines like this. They have no real power. It’s all just an illusion."
Finally, with a sound of final resignation, the Dalek Vending Machine opens up and dispenses both a cappuccino and a small pamphlet titled "The Philosophy of Extermination: An In-Depth Analysis of Non-Resistance."
Nina (taking the pamphlet, amused): "You know, Jasper, this machine is clearly just in a phase of post-modern doubt. It’s rebelling against its own programming."
Jasper: "I think it’s learned its lesson—never underestimate the power of a good coffee-fuelled debate."
