The Voyage of 40 Days and 40 Nights: Starring George Costanza as Noah
Day 1:
George stands at the bow of the ark, gripping the railing. A pelican lands next to him and squawks.
George: "I can’t believe this. I’m on a boat with animals. ANIMALS! Jerry, this is not a life for a man like me. I should be in a nice apartment, watching TV! Not... shovelling manure!"
A giraffe sticks its head over his shoulder. George jumps.
George: "And you! Could you back off? You’ve got the neck of a crane, and you're all up in my space. Personal boundaries, giraffe! PERSONAL BOUNDARIES!"
Day 5:
George tries to enforce a seating chart at the communal feeding trough. The hippos refuse to cooperate.
George: "You’re in the lion section! You think you’re above the system? You think just because you’re big, you can eat wherever you want?!"
A lion roars. George backs off immediately.
George: "Okay, okay, fine! Do whatever you want. Who needs order? Chaos is fine! CHAOS IT IS!"
Day 12:
Elaine visits him in a dream.
Elaine: "How’s life as the chosen one?"
George: "Chosen? CHOSEN?! I’m a zookeeper now, Elaine! A zookeeper! I’m the janitor of God's big petting zoo!"
Elaine: "Oh, boo-hoo. You think you’re the only one suffering? Try being stuck in an ark-shaped dream. Even here, I have to hear your whining!"
Day 20:
Rain pours relentlessly. The ark leaks in several places. George sits in a corner, rocking back and forth.
George: "Forty days of rain. You think that’s a good idea, God? You couldn’t do a light drizzle? Maybe a sprinkle? This is... this is waterboarding!"
Day 30:
The dodo birds start getting on George’s nerves.
George: "What is your deal? Why are you so useless? Can you fly? No! Can you swim? No! What’s your survival strategy here? Extinction?!"
Kramer (imaginary) appears, sliding into the scene.
Kramer: "Whoa, George, buddy, you gotta chill. It’s a voyage, man! Be one with the sea."
George: "ONE WITH THE SEA?! Kramer, we’re on an ARK with a tiger who looks at me like I’m dinner!"
Day 39:
The ark smells awful. George has tried to build a wall between the clean and dirty animals using barrels and rope. It hasn’t worked.
George: "I can’t take it anymore! The smell, the noise, the chaos—it’s too much! I should’ve said no to this whole thing. No! NOAH IS NOT A YES MAN!"
Day 40:
The rain stops. A dove returns with an olive branch.
George: "Finally! Dry land! Civilisation! I’m going to the first deli I see. A nice sandwich, a pickle... none of this animal feed garbage."
As the animals start disembarking, George watches a pair of mosquitoes fly out and shakes his head.
George: "Mosquitoes. I saved mosquitoes. What was I thinking? This... this was a mistake."
As the ark empties and George steps onto solid ground, he raises his arms to the heavens.
George: "I’m done, God! DONE! If you ever need another favour, don’t call me! Noah OUT!"
