Make Earth Great Again
Scene: A lavishly decorated press room with an over-the-top globe revolving behind a podium. The globe is just a bit too large—because, of course, it’s all about Trump-sized proportions. Trump stands at the podium, smiling triumphantly, with a handful of aides behind him looking awkward. The crowd in front of him is a mix of international journalists and confused environmentalists.
Trump:
(picking up a glass of water and taking a sip)
“Alright, listen up, folks. The Earth, okay? It used to be great. Really great. But, you know what happened? It got soft. Very soft. People stopped caring about it. They said it was fine, they said it was sustainable. But I know the truth. We need to make Earth great again, folks. The greatest Earth.”
Journalist 1:
(frowning)
“Uh, sir, Earth has been around for billions of years. It's always been—”
Trump:
(interrupting)
“Wrong. It was great until the Greens got their hands on it. All these rules. All these restrictions. It’s a disaster. No more! I’m going to make Earth huge again, folks. Bigger and better than ever before. And you know how? Trump air, Trump oceans, Trump land.”
Trump motions grandly with his hands, but a small puff of wind blows his hair in the opposite direction. He doesn’t notice.
Trump:
“First, we fix the air. Right now, it's just too much pollution, too many trees. We’re going to make the air cleaner, but in a Trump way. Forget the whole carbon footprint thing. I’ve got the best ideas. We’re going to have Trump clean air zones, folks, and exclusive Trump oxygen—people will pay for it. Top dollar. You won’t breathe anything better. It’ll be a billionaire’s dream.”
Environmentalist:
(waving their hands)
“But sir, pollution is a global issue. We need collective action to address—”
Trump:
(ignoring them, smiling)
“Exactly, collective. The best collective. And then the oceans, folks. We’re going to fix them. You know what’s wrong with the oceans? Too much water. I’m bringing in Trump seawalls, to control the water. We’ll have the best water levels. Forget rising tides—I’ll make the ocean do what I want.”
Journalist 2:
(clearly confused)
“But… the ocean’s a natural system, sir. Water rising is... well, it’s a consequence of climate change…”
Trump:
(nodding smugly)
“Exactly. Climate change. And I’m going to change it back. We’re going to reverse it. We’ll do it with Trump technology—big machines, the biggest machines. I’m talking about massive Trump air conditioners that will cool the planet down like that. And Trump fans—big ones. Huge fans. They’ll blow all that heat right out of here.”
Advisor 1:
(skeptically)
“Sir, we can’t just... cool the planet with fans...”
Trump:
(grinning)
“Why not? They’re the best fans. People are going to love them. I’ve got the best engineers working on it. You know what else? Trees. Too many trees. We’re cutting them down. Big tree cuts. They’re taking up too much space—but don’t worry, we’ll plant Trump trees in all the right spots. Everywhere. They’ll be so tall, people will say, ‘Wow, I’ve never seen trees like that.’”
Journalist 3:
(raising an eyebrow)
“Sir, trees are critical to the environment. They provide oxygen—”
Trump:
(staring them down)
“Look, trees are overrated. We need bigger, better trees. Trump trees will have golden leaves, magnificent leaves, not these little sticks. The best trees in the world. And they’ll be exclusive, only in Trump parks.”
The crowd is visibly agitated. A few journalists exchange confused glances. But Trump continues, oblivious.
Trump:
“We’ll also bring back the best wildlife, folks. Trump animals. You know how many wild animals are out there? Too many. But we’re going to fix that. We’ll put them in Trump zoos—the best zoos. The lions will be Trump lions. The bears? Trump bears. The biggest, the strongest, the most luxurious. They’ll live in Trump habitats. Beautiful, spacious, with the best air conditioning, and Trump snacks.”
Ambassador 1:
(quietly)
“Are we really talking about replacing real wildlife with Trump animals...?”
Trump:
(waving his hand dismissively)
“Don’t worry about the details. This is going to be a global thing. Everyone’s going to want to live on Trump Earth. Top-level real estate. The best living conditions. Forget about these so-called ‘green spaces’. We’ll have Trump parks—the most luxurious parks you’ve ever seen.”
Environmentalist:
(fuming)
“But sir, what about the people who are suffering from climate disasters? Rising seas, droughts, extreme weather—these are all urgent issues we need to address right now.”
Trump:
(leaning in, very serious)
“I am addressing them. The best way. We’ll build Trump bunkers, the best bunkers, where people can go when it gets rough. *It’ll be fantastic. And we’re going to keep the Earth safe. I’m going to protect it from all those other countries who are messing it up. Believe me, Earth will never have been in better hands.”
Advisor 2:
(under his breath)
“I think he’s lost it…”
Trump:
(excitedly)
“See? That’s what I’m talking about! The best protection. People won’t know what hit ‘em. Earth is going to be huge again. And you know what? When it is, I’ll have my own Trump planet. The greatest planet in the galaxy, folks. You won’t believe it. Best air, best water, best people—totally Trump-tastic.”
The camera pans out as Trump starts to excitedly sketch out plans for a “Trump moon base” and “Trump Mars.” Meanwhile, the aides and journalists look on, a mixture of disbelief and confusion plastered on their faces. The Earth spins on, totally indifferent to the bizarre plans unfolding before it.
