The Scene
Trump and Fry are on stage, the tension between bombast and wit palpable. Behind them looms a massive screen displaying the name of the AI Fact-Checker: "Veritas-9000", which gleams with an ominous enthusiasm. Every time the AI detects a potential falsehood, it chirps in with its verdict, often derailing the roast into chaos.
Trump: "You know, Stephen, people are saying I’m the greatest president of all time. Lincoln? Overrated. Roosevelt? Wheelchair—sad. But Trump? Monumental!"
Veritas-9000: [Beep] “Fact-check: Polls indicate that 43% of Americans rank you among the top five presidents, but only in the category of ‘most entertaining.’”
Fry: "Well, Donald, if by ‘monumental,’ you mean resembling Mount Rushmore in your capacity to erode slowly while remaining utterly stony-faced to logic, I concur!"
Trump: "Stephen, you’re supposed to be a comedian, but I’ve heard jokes from Melania that were funnier. And trust me, she’s no Dave Chappelle."
Veritas-9000: [Beep] “Fact-check: Melania Trump’s comedic output is undocumented. Available evidence suggests zero recorded jokes.”
Fry: [grinning] "Ah, poor Melania, the Sphinx of Slovenia. It’s tragic when even the AI cannot detect a trace of levity in her public discourse. Speaking of detection, Donald, I see you’ve brought your favourite hairstyle: the architectural wonder known as the Leaning Tower of Hairpiece!"
Trump: "My hair is real, okay? It’s great hair. The best hair. People are saying it could be in a museum!"
Veritas-9000: [Beep] “Fact-check: Analysis inconclusive. Hair appears to contain synthetic fibres. Probability of museum inclusion: negligible.”
Trump: [flustered] "Fake AI! Totally rigged. I should’ve hired my own fact-checker—like the ones I used in the election!"
Veritas-9000: [Beep] “Fact-check: Hiring one’s own fact-checker undermines impartiality. Additionally, election fact-checking efforts were conducted by independent organisations.”
Fry: [mock sincerity] "Oh, do go on, Donald. I do enjoy when your attempts at facts are like your ties—long, colourful, and invariably unraveling at the seams."
Trump: "Alright, Stephen. You think you’re so smart with your Oxford accent and your thesaurus of insults. But let’s be real—you wouldn’t last a day in business. Too soft!"
Veritas-9000: [Beep] “Fact-check: Stephen Fry has a reported net worth of £30 million, comparable to a mid-level CEO. Business resilience: untested, but probable.”
Fry: [chuckling] "Well, there you have it, Donald. It seems I’m just about one Trump bankruptcy away from catching up to you in the business stakes!"
Trump: [grinning but defensive] "I’m rich, Stephen. Very rich. Billionaire rich. You wouldn’t believe how much I’ve got."
Veritas-9000: [Beep] “Fact-check: Net worth estimates for Donald Trump range widely. Claim of billionaire status frequently disputed. Example: 2021 Forbes estimate—$2.4 billion, with liabilities noted.”
Fry: [mocking shock] "Good heavens, Donald! Veritas-9000 has done the impossible—it’s managed to make your wealth seem even less credible than your tanning regime."
Trump: [pointing at the AI] "This thing is broken. I’m firing it. You're fired, Veritas!"
Veritas-9000: [Beep] “Fact-check: I cannot be fired. I am a non-corporeal AI operating independently of employment contracts.”
Fry: "Aha! A fitting finale for this evening: Donald Trump, upstaged by a more intelligent entity, and for once, not made of human flesh!"
Trump: [mutters] "I was doing fine until this AI showed up. Bad idea. Total disaster."
Veritas-9000: [Beep] “Fact-check: Self-assessment accurate.”
Fry: [raising his coffee mug in triumph] "Cheers, Veritas-9000! Perhaps tonight, truth truly is stranger—and far funnier—than fiction."
