Scene: The rally takes place in a massive convention centre. On stage, a giant screen displays “Make Passwords Great Again!” in golden letters. In the crowd, people wave foam fingers with passwords like “TRUMP2025” and “1234,” while vendors sell USB drives shaped like little Donald Trumps.
Trump strides to the podium, grinning.
Trump:
"Thank you, thank you! What a crowd. Beautiful people, the best people. You know, passwords used to be great. Strong. Tremendous. But now? What do we get? Uppercase, lowercase, numbers, symbols—it’s a disaster! Nobody remembers them, folks. I mean, have you ever tried to type ‘ExclamationPointDollarSignFifty?’ Who came up with that? A Democrat, probably."
(Laughter and cheers. A man in the crowd yells, “Lock her up... in password jail!”)
Trump:
"That’s why, starting today, we’re fixing this mess. No more confusing nonsense. Every password in America will now be one word: Trump2025. Easy to remember, folks, because it’s the year I saved this country again! And it’s strong. So strong. I asked the FBI, ‘Is this the strongest password?’ They said, ‘Sir, it’s unhackable.’ Believe me."
(The screen behind him shows a CGI eagle typing “Trump2025” with its talons. The crowd roars in approval.)
Trump:
"Now, the fake news will say, ‘Oh, Mr. Trump, one password for everyone isn’t secure.’ Wrong! You know what’s not secure? Passwords like ‘password123.’ That’s a Biden password, folks. Sad. Weak. He probably writes it on a sticky note and forgets where he put it."
(The crowd boos loudly. Someone shreds a sticky note that says "Hunter's Laptop.")
Trump:
"And let me tell you something: China hates this password. Russia hates this password. North Korea? They called me and said, ‘Mr. Trump, we can’t hack it. It’s too good!’ Tremendous respect. Tremendous!"
(A group of hackers in the crowd holds up signs saying, “Trump Crashed My Servers!”)
Trump:
"But we’re not stopping there. Oh no. We’re going to outlaw those little CAPTCHA tests. You know the ones? ‘Click on all the traffic lights.’ Folks, I can’t stand those! I failed one last week—it said I missed a bicycle! There was no bicycle!"
(A woman in the front row screams, “They’re rigged!” and faints dramatically. EMTs hand her smelling salts shaped like tiny laptops.)
Trump:
"Instead, we’re bringing back good old-fashioned security questions. But not boring ones, like ‘What’s your mother’s maiden name?’ No. My security question will be: Who’s the greatest president of all time? And the answer? Trump. If you get it wrong, you’re probably Antifa!"
(The crowd chants, “Antifa can’t log in!” as red, white, and blue confetti rains down.)
Trump:
"And folks, because I care about this country, I’m offering my password plan for free. That’s right—free! Unless you’re California. They’re going to pay for it, folks. Tremendous deal!"
(The screen changes to show the words “California Pays Double” in bold, glittering letters. The crowd erupts in cheers.)
Trump:
"So let’s make passwords great again! Let’s make security simple! And let’s all log in to a tremendous future together. Thank you, and God bless Trump2025!"
(The rally ends with the Rolling Stones’ Start Me Up blaring as Trump throws golden USB drives into the crowd. A man dressed as a CAPTCHA test mascot is tackled by security as he tries to sneak on stage.)
End scene.
