Make Mars Great Again
Scene: A lavish “Mars Unveiling Ceremony” held at the Mar-a-Lago Ballroom, now redecorated to resemble a futuristic Martian colony. Fake red sand dunes surround the stage, with a glowing neon banner reading “Make Mars Great Again!” Trump, wearing a red spacesuit emblazoned with “Trump Galactic,” steps up to a golden podium shaped like a rocket.
Trump:
“Ladies and gentlemen, Earth is great—tremendous, really—but Mars? Mars has been a total disaster. Look at it! A barren wasteland, not a single golf course, no fast food, and worst of all, no Trump properties. It’s sad, folks. Just sad. But I’m here to fix it. We’re going to Make Mars Great Again!”
The audience, a mix of loyal supporters and bewildered scientists, erupts in applause. Elon Musk stands behind Trump, holding a model of a golden Martian city labelled “Trumpopolis.”
Trump:
“Now, some people—the fake news media, NASA, the Chinese—they say Mars is too far, too hard to colonise. But they said the same thing about Manhattan, and look at it now—full of my buildings. So, Mars? Easy. Very easy. All it takes is vision, leadership, and a few billion dollars from other people.”
Elon Musk:
(excitedly)
“Mr President, I’ve already designed reusable rockets that can launch Trump-branded casinos directly to Mars. Zero gravity blackjack will revolutionise space tourism!”
Trump:
(nodding)
“That’s why I keep this guy around. A genius. Absolute genius. And let me tell you, folks, Mars has been waiting for me. It’s red, right? And who’s the best with branding? Me. We’re going to turn that boring red planet into a golden paradise.”
Journalist 1:
(cautiously)
“Mr President, what about the challenges of living on Mars—lack of oxygen, extreme cold, radiation?”
Trump:
(rolling his eyes)
“Fake news problems. We’ve got solutions. We’ll build the greatest domes, folks. Big, beautiful domes. You won’t even notice you’re on Mars. It’ll feel just like Florida—maybe even better. And for oxygen? We’ll bring it from Earth. Lots of it. Elon says it’s easy, right, Elon?”
Elon Musk:
(grinning)
“Absolutely. And I’ve developed solar panels shaped like Trump’s face. They’ll power the entire colony.”
Trump:
“Solar panels with my face! Brilliant. They’ll light up the night sky from Earth. People will look up and say, ‘Wow, Mars has never looked so good.’ And here’s the best part: Mars will pay for it! It’s sitting on untapped resources—iron, water, maybe even gold. We’re going to drill, mine, and turn Mars into the richest planet in the universe.”
Journalist 2:
(skeptically)
“Mr President, isn’t this all incredibly expensive?”
Trump:
(leaning into the mic)
“Wrong. It’s a tremendous deal. We’ll get Martians to fund it. People say there’s no life on Mars, but trust me, I’ve seen the data. Little green guys—great negotiators. But not as good as me.”
The audience looks confused, but Elon nods vigorously.
Elon Musk:
“And we’ll introduce Tesla rovers for Martian roads. Silent, efficient, and powered by dust storms!”
Trump:
“Exactly. Dust storm power—no one’s thought of that before. Genius. And let’s talk tourism. People will flock to Mars for the Trump Martian Golf Club. Low gravity—everyone’s a pro! And for the kids? The Trump Mars Theme Park, featuring rides like the Big Rocket Rollercoaster and the Red Planet Plunge. Mars will be fun again, folks.”
Environmentalist:
(shouting from the back)
“But Mr President, what about preserving Mars for science and future generations?”
Trump:
(smirking)
“Science? Future generations? We’re doing this for them. They’ll thank us when Mars is great again. They’ll say, ‘Thank you, Mr Trump, for giving us the best planet ever.’ Because folks, when I’m done, Earth is going to look at Mars and feel jealous. That’s how great we’re going to make it.”
As the crowd claps, Trump unveils a golden rocket with the words “Trump 2025: To Mars!” painted on the side. A giant hologram of Mars appears behind him, glowing with a massive Trump logo visible from space.
Trump:
“Remember, folks: It’s not just Mars anymore. It’s Trump Mars. And trust me, once we’re done there, we’re heading to Venus. Beautiful planet, tremendous potential. Let’s make the whole solar system great again!”
The scene ends with Trump and Elon posing for photos next to the model of Trumpopolis, while the audience chants, “Mars! Mars! Mars!”
