"Make Conspiracy Theories Great Again"
Scene: Donald Trump is hosting a rally in Roswell, New Mexico—the hotspot for conspiracy theorists. The stage is set against a massive backdrop of UFO imagery and cryptic Illuminati symbols. The presidential seal has been modified to feature an alien head where the eagle should be. The audience is a mix of MAGA hat wearers, people in tinfoil hats, and individuals dressed as Bigfoot holding signs like "JFK Jr. Lives" and "Area 51 Employee of the Month."
Trump:
"Well, well, Roswell! You’ve outdone yourselves! Incredible crowd. The best crowd, actually. Some say it’s the biggest crowd ever assembled for UFO disclosure. Huge! And let me tell you, folks, this is the kind of energy we need to make conspiracy theories great again!"
(The crowd roars. A woman holding a “Moon Landing Was CGI” sign faints. EMTs rush to revive her but mysteriously vanish mid-rescue. The crowd gasps.)
Trump:
"Now, some people—very bad people—say conspiracy theories are for kooks. They call us crazy. But who’s crazy now? I’m your president, aren’t I? And guess what? I’m declassifying everything! That’s right—Area 51, the truth about Atlantis, and yes, folks, the recipe for Coca-Cola."
(The crowd erupts. A man in a NASA “Never A Straight Answer” shirt sobs openly, holding his child close.)
Trump:
"And you know what? The aliens? They love me. They love me, folks. I met with them last week—beautiful, tall beings, shiny foreheads, big eyes. You wouldn’t believe how much they respect me. They said, ‘Mr. President, you’re the first Earth leader we can trust.’ And I said, ‘You’re welcome. But you’ve got to help us out. Give us your secret alien tech.’ They’re sending it. It’s coming soon—very soon!"
(The crowd chants, “UFOs! UFOs!” while someone launches a drone shaped like a flying saucer into the air.)
Trump:
"And let’s talk about the pyramids, okay? Everyone’s always asking me, ‘Donald, how did they build the pyramids?’ Was it aliens? Was it giants? Was it Ben Carson on one of his good days? The answer, folks, is yes. All of the above. They were working together. A fantastic collaboration, like The Apprentice but with more obelisks. And under my administration, we’re going to rebuild the pyramids—bigger, shinier, and with a Trump Tower on top!"
(A roar of approval. Someone in the crowd screams, “Finally!” and throws a stone tablet onto the stage.)
Trump:
"You know, people used to say, ‘Donald, the moon landing wasn’t fake!’ But now? Now they’re saying, ‘Donald, if it was fake, it was the best fake ever.’ And I tell them, you’re welcome. And you know what? We’re going to land on the real moon this time. Not the boring one they filmed in Hollywood. The one the deep state doesn’t want you to know about. The golden moon, folks. Tremendous opportunities there—mining, golf courses, maybe even a Trump Moon Resort. Melania loves the idea."
(The crowd begins chanting, “Trump on the moon! Trump on the moon!” while someone holds up a poster of Trump planting a flag on a glowing, cheese-like moon.)
Trump:
"Now, let me tell you about the hollow Earth. Oh, it’s real. I’ve seen it. Took the elevator straight down—beautiful place. Green skies, underground oceans, dinosaurs, and they have a McDonald’s there that still uses the original recipe fries. Not like the ones they give us up here—fake fries! And they’ve got amazing people down there—huge supporters of Trump. Tremendous subterranean turnout in 2024."
(The audience gasps in awe. A group of men in camouflage scream, “Release the kraken!” while holding up a papier-mâché squid.)
Trump:
"And we can’t forget, folks, the most important conspiracy of all—me. They’ve been saying, ‘Trump’s not human.’ Some are saying I’m a reptilian. Some are saying I’m an AI. And you know what? I let them think that. It keeps them guessing. Keeps the media on their toes. Am I a lizard person? Am I an android? You’ll never know. But believe me, whatever I am, I’m the best at it."
(The crowd cheers wildly. A child in the front row holds up a hand-drawn picture of Trump as a cyborg-lizard hybrid.)
Trump:
"So, folks, here’s the plan: we’re going to make conspiracy theories mainstream. I’ve already appointed Alex Jones as the Secretary of Truth. Great guy, great energy. He’s out there fact-checking the lies, like, ‘Where’s the evidence Bigfoot isn’t real?’ There isn’t any! And we’re bringing back the classics. Bermuda Triangle tours, Loch Ness monster expeditions, and—get ready for this—we’re going to storm Area 52. That’s right, the secret Area 51 they don’t want you to know about!"
(A man dressed as Elvis Presley yells, “I knew it!” and moonwalks into the crowd. The audience loses its collective mind, chanting, “Storm Area 52!”)
Trump:
"Together, we’re going to make conspiracy theories great again! The aliens are with us. The giants are with us. And soon, the whole hollow Earth will be voting Trump in 2028. Believe me, folks, it’s going to be out of this world! Thank you, Roswell! Thank you!"
(Trump raises his arms triumphantly as fireworks shaped like UFOs explode overhead. The X-Files theme blares through the speakers as the crowd begins chanting, “Hollow Earth 2028!”)
End scene.
New Scene: This time the rally is in a stadium shaped like a giant tinfoil hat. The crowd is wild—people are waving flags that read "Flat Earth Forever!" and "Birds Aren’t Real!" Vendors are selling alien-shaped cotton candy and Bigfoot plushies wearing MAGA hats.
Trump:
"Wow, look at this crowd. Tremendous! I see you, Flat Earth Dave—you’ve been saying the Earth is flat for years, and I agree. Look at maps—they’re flat. Ever seen a round map? No. Case closed!"
(The crowd erupts. A man with a "NASA = Lies" tattoo screams, “I knew it!” and hurls a globe onto the stage. Trump kicks it like a football. The crowd goes berserk.)
Trump:
"And let’s talk about the birds. Have you heard this one? People are saying—and these are smart people, the best people—that birds are fake. That’s right, folks, they’re drones. Surveillance drones. I mean, have you ever seen a bird charging? No chargers, no wires—something’s fishy!"
(A woman holding a pet parrot whispers, “You’re a spy, aren’t you?” and tosses it into the air. The parrot shouts “Fake news!” and flies away.)
Trump:
"And now, my favourite conspiracy, folks: time travel. Did you know I invented it? That’s how I knew I was going to win in 2024. I went to the future, I saw the ballots—they were all for me. Even the ones from Mars. Incredible people, the Martians. They love me! And they told me, ‘Mr. Trump, you’re the first president to bring McDonald’s to our planet.’ Tremendous deal!"
(The crowd chants, “Martians love McNuggets!” while someone in the back starts grilling burgers on a makeshift UFO-shaped barbecue.)
Trump:
"And people ask me, ‘Donald, what’s next?’ Well, let me tell you: pyramids. We’re building a pyramid right here in Roswell. It’s going to be the biggest, most luxurious pyramid ever. Gold-plated, with an escalator straight to the top. And at the bottom? A casino. Pharaoh Trump, they’ll call me. And you know what? The ancient aliens would’ve loved it."
(A group of men dressed as mummies high-five each other, chanting, “Pharaoh Trump! Pharaoh Trump!” Meanwhile, a UFO drone swoops overhead, dropping MAGA bumper stickers.)
Trump:
"And the deep state—they don’t want you to know about Atlantis. But guess what? I’ve been there. Gorgeous place. Huge underwater resorts. And the mermaids? Total babes. One of them said to me, ‘Mr. Trump, you have the best gills I’ve ever seen.’ And I said, ‘Thank you. Tremendous compliment.’ Folks, we’re annexing Atlantis next year. It’ll be the 51st state. Believe me!"
(The crowd goes wild. Someone in the front row inflates a kiddie pool and starts splashing around, yelling, “Take me with you!”)
Trump:
"And here’s the big one—why do they call it the White House? You ever think about that? I’m starting an investigation. Could it be... Illuminati? Could it be... aliens? Or maybe—Biden! We’re going to find out. I’m ordering Melania to repaint it gold, just to be safe."
(The crowd chants, “Gold House! Gold House!” while a man dressed as a Freemason faints dramatically.)
Trump:
"So, my friends, get ready. We’re making conspiracy theories great again! Whether you believe in lizard people, the moon being a hologram, or that JFK Jr. is my new VP—wait, did I just spoil it? Oops! Anyway, you’re all the best. And together, we’re going to expose the truth. Thank you, Roswell!"
(Trump tosses tinfoil hats into the crowd like a rock star throwing drumsticks. Fireworks shaped like Bigfoot light up the sky as the X-Files theme plays. The rally ends with Trump posing for photos with someone dressed as Elvis holding a miniature UFO.)
End scene.
