Breaking News: Oregon and Hawaii Declare Independence, Create "Chill" New Nations
Portland, OR / Honolulu, HI – In an unprecedented move, the states of Oregon and Hawaii have announced their secession from the United States, forming their own independent nations. The surprise declarations, made in separate press conferences earlier today, have left the nation reeling as questions mount about the implications of this bold political shift.
Oregon’s Declaration of "Fresh Air" Sovereignty Oregon, a state known for its progressive politics, environmental activism, and an unwavering love for artisanal coffee, voted to secede following frustrations with the current administration in Washington. The state’s new leadership, led by Governor Kate Brown, announced the formation of the "Republic of Fresh Air," a country committed to sustainability, environmental stewardship, and a blanket ban on plastic straws.
“We can no longer stand by while the rest of the nation burns fossil fuels and ignores the climate crisis,” said Brown in a press statement. “We’re going to focus on things that really matter—like preserving our forests, reducing traffic congestion, and making sure that every resident has access to free-range, non-GMO, gluten-free, grass-fed options.”
The newly minted nation will also host an annual “Festival of Fresh Air,” where visitors can pay an entry fee to experience an entire week of Oregon’s air, freshly filtered and bottled by the state’s finest craft brewers. When asked whether the state would allow people to visit, Brown confirmed that "non-Oregonians" would be subject to an intense vetting process to ensure they embraced the values of composting and low-impact living.
Hawaii: "The Kingdom of Aloha" Meanwhile, Hawaii has taken a more regal approach to its newfound independence, declaring itself "The Kingdom of Aloha." The state’s royal family, represented by Queen Lili'uokalani’s great-great-granddaughter, Princess Kaiulani, has assumed leadership, reaffirming the Hawaiian people’s right to self-governance. The announcement came after months of negotiations between the state’s leaders and the United Nations, which was largely indifferent, though grateful for the influx of vacationers to the region.
“We’ve always been a place of peace and paradise,” said Princess Kaiulani during a livestream from Waikiki Beach. “We believe that as an independent kingdom, we can continue to lead the world in eco-tourism, and a dedication to the arts of luaus, hula dancing, and keeping sharks away from surfers.”
The Kingdom of Aloha has already instituted a robust new immigration policy: everyone is welcome, as long as they can prove they love pineapple on pizza, are willing to try surfing, and can tolerate an average annual temperature of 78°F. The nation has also promised to send a complimentary ukulele to every citizen.
What Happens Now? As a direct result of Oregon and Hawaii’s moves to break away, the United States now faces the potential unraveling of its geographical fabric. While neither state has been able to provide details on their borders or how they’ll handle trade relations, some economic analysts suggest that Oregon’s famous wine production and Hawaii’s booming tourism industry could form the basis for a successful new nation-state.
In Washington, DC, the White House has expressed confusion over the situation. "We’ll figure it out," said a senior aide, who wished to remain anonymous. "This whole thing’s bananas, but I guess it’s more manageable than dealing with California’s threats of independence."
Meanwhile, in Oregon and Hawaii, life continues as usual—slightly less crowded and with an abundance of coconut water.
Stay tuned for further updates as the newly-formed countries of Oregon and Hawaii seek recognition on the global stage.
