Donald Trump: Vlad, I’ve been thinking. The U.S.—huge country, lots of land, lots of opportunities. People love me here, tremendous love. But let’s be honest: running the whole thing is exhausting. What if we split it? You and me, partners.
Vladimir Putin: (raises eyebrow) Interesting. But why should I share? I already own parts of it, indirectly.
Donald Trump: True, true. But imagine what we could do together. I keep the coasts—New York, Florida, California, the glamour spots. You take the middle—lots of flat land, people who love strong leaders. You know, your kind of thing.
Vladimir Putin: And what about Washington? The capital is symbolic. I’ll take that.
Donald Trump: Whoa, slow down there. Washington is my turf. I’ve got hotels nearby. We could make it neutral territory. Like Switzerland, but with better golf courses.
Vladimir Putin: (smirks) Neutral? That’s not my style. I take what I want.
Donald Trump: Okay, fine. You can have the Pentagon. I’ll keep the White House—it’s already got my name on it somewhere, I’m sure.
Vladimir Putin: Deal. But Alaska returns to Russia. It was ours, to begin with.
Donald Trump: Alaska? Sure, who needs it? Too cold, no decent golf courses. But I get Texas. Big state, big guns, big egos. My kind of place.
Vladimir Putin: Fine. But I take the Midwest—perfect for a breadbasket empire. And Florida. I like warm weather.
Donald Trump: Whoa, not Florida! That’s my winter White House! Okay, how about you get the Dakotas instead? Nobody even knows what’s up there.
Vladimir Putin: Agreed. But I want control of the energy sector. Oil, gas—it all comes to me.
Donald Trump: Fine, but I get the media. All of it. Fox News, CNN, even MSNBC—they’ll all be Trump News Network. Non-stop coverage of me. Ratings gold.
Vladimir Putin: (laughs) You are relentless. Fine. But one condition: I choose the governors for my territories.
Donald Trump: Sure, sure. But they’ll need to wear MAGA hats. Mandatory. Branding is important.
Vladimir Putin: You’re obsessed with hats. But fine, as long as I can replace your eagle with a bear.
Donald Trump: Done. Together, we’ll make America... uh, manageable again!
