BREAKING NEWS: New York Secedes from the Union, Votes to Return to Its Dutch Roots
New York (NY) – January 24, 2025
In what can only be described as the most dramatic move since Alexander Hamilton duelled Aaron Burr, New York State has announced its intention to secede from the United States in protest of Donald Trump’s re-election. In a historic referendum, 87% of voters across the state voted in favour of leaving the Union. As if that weren’t shocking enough, New York City (soon to be known as New Amsterdam again) is also set to return to its Dutch roots, complete with wooden shoes, tulips, and an improved cheese selection.
Governor Kathy Hochul addressed the press early this morning, standing in front of an enormous portrait of her new idol, Dutch explorer Henry Hudson, stating, “We simply cannot allow this… this farce to continue. Not while we’re forced to share a country with someone who doesn’t know the difference between a yuge lie and a yuge opportunity. From this day forward, we’ll be New Amsterdam, and the state of New York will officially become ‘West Netherlands.’ It’s time to return to the land of canals, windmills, and actual competent leadership.”
When asked about the logistics of secession, the Governor was adamant: “We’ve already reached out to the Dutch government. They’re sending us over a few extra bicycles and some advanced cheese-tasting techniques. We’ll be ready for the full transfer of power in a few weeks. We’ll also be requesting the return of all the tulip fields that were wrongfully stolen from us.”
Residents of New York City, eager to embrace their new Dutch identity, are already taking the necessary steps to “become more Dutch.” New Yorkers have begun flooding the streets, excitedly practicing their “Goedemorgen” greetings, while others have taken to wearing wooden clogs, attending windmill-building workshops, and binge-watching Dutch crime dramas. The city’s notorious subway system, of course, is still intact—but now, passengers are apparently being encouraged to take a much more relaxed approach to personal space, as per “Dutch etiquette.”
The impact of this secession has been felt nationwide, with mixed reactions across the United States. President Trump, unsurprisingly, has been rather vocal about the situation. In a post on his TruthBomb platform, he responded, “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: New York is a disaster. They’re losing all the best pizza, and now they want to leave? Very sad. I will be building a massive wall, and we’re going to make New Jersey pay for it. It’s going to be beautiful, folks.”
Meanwhile, in Washington D.C., House Speaker Kevin McCarthy assured the nation that “we won’t stand for this kind of disloyalty.” When asked how he planned to stop the secession, McCarthy responded, “We’ll just send in Rudy Giuliani and a few of his buddies from the 9/11 memorial and let them handle it. No one knows how to shut down a rebellion quite like Rudy.”
However, the citizens of New York and their newfound Dutch comrades are unfazed. In Manhattan, a newly-formed political group called “The Tulip Brigade” marched proudly down Fifth Avenue, chanting “We Want Windmills!” and handing out free samples of Gouda.
In a separate but related development, the state of New Jersey has begun fortifying its borders in anticipation of what some are calling “the Great New Amsterdam Exodus.” Governor Phil Murphy expressed optimism for the future, saying, “If they’re going to build a wall, we’ll make sure it’s a really nice wall, and we’ll charge them for it.”
This marks a new chapter in the ongoing saga of American politics, as one of the country’s most iconic states takes the ultimate step in declaring independence. Whether this is the start of a nationwide trend or a one-off move by a disgruntled state remains to be seen. For now, New Yorkers—and soon, New Amsterdamians—are embracing their heritage, and planning their first annual tulip festival.
Stay tuned for further developments as the United States prepares to say goodbye to its most important and, until recently, most irreverent state. And remember, in the wise words of New Amsterdam’s soon-to-be official motto: “Go Dutch or Go Home.”
