Donald Trump: Gentlemen, I’ve been thinking: Israel. Big history there, lots of people talking about it. Great place to make a statement. I mean, I’m already a hero to them—moved the embassy to Jerusalem, remember? Tremendous move.
Satan: Ah, yes, the “chosen people.” You’re aware, Donald, that Israel isn’t exactly thrilled about invasions. They’ve got a history with that sort of thing.
Vladimir Putin: History is written by the victors. And by that, I mean me. Israel is strong, yes, but strength is nothing without fear. Fear is my specialty.
Donald Trump: Fear is good. Gets ratings. But you’ve got to spin it. Say we’re “liberating” Israel or making it great again. They love that kind of talk.
Satan: Liberation? How quaint. Let’s not kid ourselves. This is about control, chaos, and my favourite—division. Nothing fractures alliances faster than a good old-fashioned holy war.
Vladimir Putin: And with Israel, you get the bonus of destabilising the West. They’ll fight over whose God is stronger while we take the land.
Donald Trump: I like it. I’ll handle the branding. “Operation Holy Takeover.” We’ll say we’re protecting the faithful. Evangelicals will eat it up.
Satan: Your hypocrisy truly knows no bounds. I admire that.
Vladimir Putin: (smirks) What about Jerusalem? Everyone wants it. That’s the pressure point.
Donald Trump: Easy. We tell everyone it belongs to me. I’ll build the greatest resort there—Trump Temple Towers. Gold everything. Maybe throw in a casino. People will flock to it.
Satan: And when it inevitably collapses into war? My domain expands. Beautiful chaos. Perfect.
Vladimir Putin: This is why I work with you two. You bring creativity to destruction. We’ll divide it three ways: land for me, souls for Satan, and ego boosts for Donald.
Donald Trump: I love it. The best plan. People will say it’s the greatest invasion since… well, ever. Believe me.
