The rally opens with a malfunctioning pyrotechnics display. Sparks shoot out sideways, narrowly missing the "Make 2025 Tremendous" banner. Trump strides onto the stage, waving to the audience, which includes a guy in a “Trump 2016” shirt trying to sell leftover MAGA hats from a duffel bag.
"Happy New Year, my amazing supporters! 2025 is the year, folks. We’re going to do things no one has ever done before. And people are saying, ‘Sir, how can you do it?’ Easy. I’m Donald Trump."
He launches into his huge plans:
"First, the economy. We’re bringing back the Trump Bucks! The fake news called them ‘Monopoly money,’ but guess what? People love Monopoly. Trump Bucks will be the official currency of the USA by April. You’ll thank me."
A woman stands up, her brow furrowed:
"How will that work, exactly?"
Trump beams:
"Simple. Every Trump Buck comes with a QR code that links directly to my website. Spend them at any Trump property, and your money doubles. That’s capitalism, folks. No banks, just me. Very efficient."
The woman sits down, muttering, “What happened to the dollar?”
"Next: transportation. I’m introducing the Trump Blimp Fleet! You know planes, right? Boring. Blimps are classy, relaxing, and—this is big—they’ll all have gold-plated cabins. No more crying babies on flights because we’ll have ‘Trump Kids Zones’ in the cargo holds."
A teenager shouts:
"Blimps? Aren’t they, like, super slow?"
Trump smirks.
"Not my blimps. We’re using a special helium. It’s faster helium. NASA can’t figure it out, but we did. They’re jealous."
"Now, immigration. People say I didn’t finish the wall. Wrong. The Trump SkyWall is the new plan. It’s invisible, it’s everywhere, and it’s tremendous. Stops everyone who isn’t supposed to be here, but no one can see it. Very advanced technology. Believe me."
A man in the front row rubs his temples:
"How do you know if it’s working if you can’t see it?"
Trump leans in conspiratorially.
"Trust me, I can see it. And it’s working beautifully."
He pivots to climate change:
"People said 2024 was ‘bad’ because of wildfires and hurricanes. I call it character building. But we’re fixing it. I’m starting the Trump Weather Network! We’ll livestream storms and let you vote on where they go next. Democracy, folks."
A woman gasps:
"Are you saying you’d redirect hurricanes?!"
Trump nods.
"Exactly. Why should Florida always get them? Share the wealth. We’ll send one to Canada. They’ll thank us for the rain."
Finally, Trump drops his biggest bombshell:
"And space—oh, space. Forget the Moon. That’s small potatoes. I’m buying Mars. We’ll rename it Trump Planet. The deal’s practically done. Elon Musk? I out-negotiated him. He’s building rockets, I’m building empires."
Someone in the back bursts out laughing:
"Mars?! How are you going to pay for that?"
Trump grins:
"Easy. Trump Bucks, my friend. The Martians are going to love them."
The rally wraps up with Trump leading a countdown to the “most spectacular year,” but the clock on the jumbotron glitches, skipping from 10 to 1. Fireworks misfire again, this time setting off a car alarm in the parking lot. Trump shouts over the chaos:
"See? Tremendous energy! Happy 2025, everyone!"
The audience leaves slowly, some shaking their heads, others wondering if any of it made sense—but all agreeing, “Well, it was entertaining.”
