The Woke-Neanderthal Fiasco
In a remote forest clearing (recently outfitted with solar panels and a composting toilet by a humanitarian NGO), the Woke, clad in ethically sourced hemp clothing, meets a surprisingly eloquent Neanderthal.
Woke: (bowing deeply) "Greetings, ancient sibling of humanity. I humbly acknowledge your ancestral wisdom and resilience, which, in no way, should be considered lesser—despite your more... uh... compact cranial capacity."
Neanderthal: (raises an eyebrow) "Compact, you say? You’re implying something about my brain?"
Woke: "Oh no! I’d never imply—what I mean is, all brains are equal. Even if your kind’s... er... weren’t quite suited to inventing... computers. Or, you know, the wheel."
Neanderthal: (crosses arms) "You’re saying I’m stupid. Just admit it."
Woke: (frantic) "No, no, no! I think you're brilliant, unique! Your... instinctual lifestyle is inspiring. Your survival without a structured government—genius! I wish we could abandon our bureaucracies and live like you do... without—um—books."
Neanderthal: (growling) "What makes you think I didn’t have books?!"
Woke: "I-I just assumed you didn’t invent—uh, sorry, discover—oh dear, never mind!"
The Woke scrambles to redeem himself, changing the subject to shared struggles:
Woke: "You know, in today’s oppressive world, we’re all marginalised in some way. The patriarchy affects everyone—even Neanderthals like yourself."
Neanderthal: "Patriarchy? My matriarch Luga ruled our clan with an iron fist. Literally—she invented the fist club."
Desperate to bridge the cultural gap, the Woke kneels and performs an apology ritual he saw on TikTok, presenting a handwoven bracelet to the increasingly unimpressed Neanderthal.
The Neanderthal accepts it skeptically. Then:
Neanderthal: "You’re exhausting. But thanks for the bracelet."
Woke: "You’re welcome! And remember, I stand with you against systemic biases, species erasure, and—um—extinction."
Neanderthal: (smirks) "Funny. Standing against extinction while I’m standing here. How very... evolved of you."
The Woke, realising his verbal missteps, begins spiralling into another round of apologies, while the Neanderthal trudges off, muttering:
Neanderthal: "So much talk. No wonder your kind is always late to dinner."
