BREAKING NEWS: Washington State and Illinois Vote to Join Canada—Trump Vows to Build Wall Between U.S. and "Disloyal" States
Seattle (WA), Chicago (IL)—January 23 2025
In an unprecedented move that has shaken the nation to its core, both Washington State and Illinois have voted to secede from the United States and join Canada in protest of Donald Trump’s second term as President. The votes, passed with overwhelming support in local referenda, have left both states packing their maple syrup and flannel shirts, ready to be officially absorbed into the Great White North—if they can get through the border crossing.
Washington State, home to progressive Seattle, voted 72% in favour of the secession, with most residents celebrating by waving Canadian flags and enjoying free-range organic, gluten-free, soy-based, locally sourced, non-GMO poutine. Governor Jay Inslee, looking like someone who had just had a very large cup of coffee, made a statement to the press, saying, “Look, we didn’t want to do this, but we just can’t go another four years with a president who thinks science is a suggestion, not a fact. Plus, have you seen the weather in Vancouver? It's basically Washington, but with better healthcare.”
Meanwhile, Illinois, with an even more enthusiastic 80% of Chicagoans supporting the move, has reportedly made plans to send Trump a giant postcard that reads, “Wish you were here (but please don’t actually come).” Mayor Lori Lightfoot, standing in front of a Chicago-style deep dish pizza that she swore was “totally symbolic,” exclaimed, “This isn’t about left or right. This is about the fact that we’ve got wind chill warnings in November and we can’t afford to fix our infrastructure because we’re too busy arguing about climate change. Let’s be real: Canada has universal healthcare and they think hockey fights are ‘charming.’ What’s not to love?”
The move has sent shockwaves through the rest of the United States. Donald Trump, with the hair of a man who just learned his favourite golf course was now a landfill, immediately issued a statement on his social media platform, TruthBomb (formerly Twitter). “It’s sad, folks,” he wrote. “Two of the greatest, most loyal states in the Union—full of good people, good jobs, good ‘not Mexico’ neighbours—want to leave? It’s very simple. They’re weak. They’re disloyal. I’ll tell you, if they think they can just waltz into Canada, they have another thing coming. I’ll be building a yuge wall—just for them. It’ll be the best wall. It’ll be stronger than any Canadian geese. You’ll see.”
Sources inside the Canadian government say they are “willing to listen” to the states, but remind everyone that there are “procedural formalities” to iron out, including teaching Washingtonians how to say “sorry” like they mean it and convincing Illinois residents that Tim Horton’s isn’t as great as their local coffee shop.
In the meantime, Washington State has announced plans to introduce "Hug-a-Husky" programs to foster inter-provincial relations, while Illinois is proposing a free “Poutine and PBR” happy hour for any remaining Trump supporters who wish to join them in their new Canadian lifestyle.
Political analysts are baffled. Some suspect this could be the beginning of a national wave of disillusionment. Others believe it will pass once Illinois realises there are only so many ways to serve potatoes with cheese curds. “Honestly, I don’t know what these states are thinking,” said one political expert, shaking his head. “Do they really want to trade Trump for Justin Trudeau’s hair?”
For now, the world is watching, popcorn in hand, as Washington and Illinois prepare to switch allegiances. But while some may call this a drastic action, others are simply grateful to see a United States that no longer has the word "united" in it.
