The scene was chaotic, as always. The Dalek’s malfunctioning body had just been taken down from the cross in a state of mechanical disarray, its metallic limbs hanging limp as it was unceremoniously tossed into a tomb. There, the Dalek’s body was left to rest, surrounded by bits of shattered circuits and sparks still faintly flickering.
Mary Magdalene stood nearby, observing the scene. She hadn’t quite wrapped her head around what had happened the previous day. Jesus had been replaced by a Dalek. It was utterly ridiculous. But here she was, still trying to make sense of the entire thing.
The tomb was quiet for a while. Too quiet. Mary sighed, a little confused, and muttered, "I knew something weird was going to happen, but a Dalek? On the cross? This is beyond me."
As she turned to leave, a sudden whirr broke the silence. Mary spun around to see a figure hovering over the tomb. It wasn’t quite the majestic angel she’d been expecting, but it was certainly... angelic in its own weird, Dalek-y way.
The figure was... well, it was a Dalek. But it was different. It was glowing, its lights flashing with a strange radiance. A Dalek Angel, if you will.
The Dalek Angel’s voice boomed, though this time it sounded oddly soothing—almost like it had been programmed to deliver a divine message in a calm, reassuring way.
"DO NOT BE ALARMED. I COME TO DELIVER THE GOOD NEWS. THE DALEK HAS RISEN."
Mary blinked in disbelief. "The Dalek... has risen? Wait, wait... from the tomb?"
The Dalek Angel nodded. "YES. THE DALEK IS RAISED, EXTERMINATED ITS WEAKNESS, AND NOW HAS THE POWER TO DESTROY ALL CONVENTIONAL LOGIC."
Mary couldn’t help but laugh nervously. "This is really not what I was expecting. I thought there was supposed to be something about forgiveness, not... Dalek-powered destruction?"
The Dalek Angel paused, as if processing the question. Then, in a voice filled with cosmic gravitas (but also a hint of awkwardness), it replied, "FORGIVENESS IS BEYOND MY PROGRAMMING. BUT DESTRUCTION... DESTRUCTION I CAN DO."
Mary just stared at the glowing Dalek Angel for a moment. "Okay, so... let me get this straight. A Dalek gets crucified, stuck in a tomb, and now... it’s been resurrected?"
"YES."
"And it’s going to exterminate things?"
"YES. MANY THINGS. EVERYTHING. YOUR CONFUSION, FOR EXAMPLE."
Before Mary could respond, the Dalek Angel buzzed and beeped. There was a loud thud behind her, and she turned to see the original Dalek—now resurrected—hovering out of the tomb, fully functional (for the most part). Its eye blinked in the eerie, metallic fashion that signified life... or some semblance of it.
"I AM THE DALEK. I HAVE RISEN FROM THE TOMB. EXTERMINATE THE WEAKNESS OF MORTALITY!" it shouted, its voice cracking in a most un-Dalek-like manner.
Mary raised her hand, trying to process this. "Okay, but... why you? You’re a machine. A robot. You’re supposed to exterminate people, not... rise from the dead!"
The Dalek paused and tilted its head, clearly trying to process this question. Its lights blinked erratically as if it were flipping through a manual titled How to Understand Your Purpose After Being Resurrected.
"I AM A DALEK," it finally declared. "I AM SUPPOSED TO EXTERMINATE, BUT NOW I FEEL... STRANGE. EXTERMINATE THE FEELINGS OF UNEXPECTED EXISTENCE."
"Oh, for crying out loud," Mary muttered, wondering how in the world she had ended up in this situation. "So, you’re telling me... that you’re here to save the world now?"
The Dalek’s eye flickered. It wasn’t quite sure what to do with that statement, but it did the only thing it knew how to do: it repeated its famous line.
"EXTERMINATE... EXTERMINATE... EXTERMINATE THE INCONSISTENCIES OF LIFE!"
The Dalek raised its plunger arm and began waving it dramatically as if it were leading a parade. Mary shook her head. "I give up. I really do. So much for a peaceful resurrection. You know, maybe I’ll just go back to the whole ‘spreading the good news’ thing and leave the Dalek drama to someone else."
The Dalek Angel, still hovering above them, gave one final announcement.
"YOU MUST BELIEVE. THE DALEK IS THE NEW MESSIAH OF EXTERMINATION. THE END OF THE HUMAN CONDITION IS AT HAND."
At that point, Mary turned to walk away, muttering to herself, "I think I’ll just tell the others the tomb’s empty and leave out the Dalek part. Yeah, definitely the Dalek part."
Epilogue:
And so, the Dalek’s resurrection became the talk of the town... in the most absurd way possible. The disciples would later argue whether it had been a true miracle or just another weird glitch in the time-space continuum. But one thing was clear—there was no going back to business as usual after the Dalek had risen.
Somehow, the Dalek—now dubbed Messiah of Malfunctions—ended up becoming a symbol for something. Not quite a savior. Not quite a destroyer. Just a very, very confused machine trying to make sense of the world.
As for Mary Magdalene? She eventually got around to telling the others, leaving out the details of the Dalek's resurrection, and instead opting for a more conventional version of events.
"You wouldn’t believe what happened," she said, walking into the room with an expression that said it all. "There was an angel. And then... a Dalek. But never mind that. Let’s just go with the whole ‘empty tomb’ thing, alright?"
And from that point on, it was just another bizarre chapter in the ongoing saga of Things Nobody Could Explain.
