Setting: A glitzy comedy club, lights dimmed. The stage is set for an epic roast battle. Donald Trump, in his trademark suit and red tie, adjusts his mic. Groucho Marx, cigar in hand and eyebrows in full mischievous motion, leans on the podium with a smirk.
Trump: (opening grandly)
“Ladies and gentlemen, you’re looking at the greatest President in history! Nobody’s done more for this country than me. Tremendous ratings, huge rallies. I’m a legend!”
Groucho: (tilting his head, mock serious)
“Well, Trump, if you’re a legend, I must’ve been misinformed. I thought legends were supposed to die out a long time ago.”
Audience laughs. Trump straightens his tie, trying to recover.
Trump:
“Groucho, I’ve built an empire. Skyscrapers, golf courses, the best. What have you built? A career out of insulting people with a fake moustache?”
Groucho: (pretending to inspect his moustache)
“Fake moustache? Coming from a man who’s spent more on fake hair than I’ve spent on cigars? Your barber deserves a Purple Heart for bravery.”
Trump: (waves his hand dismissively)
“Hair jokes? Really? That’s lowbrow, Groucho. My style is iconic. People love it!”
Groucho:
“Iconic? It looks like a raccoon lost a custody battle with your scalp.”
Audience howls. Trump scowls but presses on.
Trump:
“Look, I’ve got billions of dollars, a hit TV show, and I ran the free world. What’s your claim to fame? Making wisecracks in black-and-white movies?”
Groucho: (grinning)
“Wisecracks? I’ve made a career out of wit. You’ve made a career out of bankruptcies. Let’s not pretend we’re in the same tax bracket—or intelligence bracket.”
Trump: (pointing at the crowd)
“The fake news media loves this guy because he’s safe, predictable. But me? I’m a disruptor! I keep people on their toes!”
Groucho:
“Disruptor? You keep people on their toes because they’re too scared to sit down in case you repossess the chairs.”
Audience roars. Trump tries to regain control.
Trump:
“Groucho, let’s face it. I’ve got millions of supporters. You’ve got a few old films people watch on rainy Sundays.”
Groucho: (pauses, looking thoughtful)
“You’re right, Trump. People do watch me on Sundays. You, on the other hand, are best viewed through a warning label.”
Audience erupts again. Trump starts gesticulating wildly.
Trump:
“I’ve been on magazine covers, the front pages! I’m a global phenomenon! Nobody’s bigger than me!”
Groucho:
“Oh, I agree. Your ego’s so big, it needs its own zip code. And from what I hear, it’s got more unpaid taxes than Mar-a-Lago.”
Audience doubles over laughing. Trump looks furious but tries to pivot.
Trump:
“Look, Groucho, you’re a clown. I’m a leader. People look up to me.”
Groucho:
“If they’re looking up, it’s because they’re checking for falling debris from your casinos.”
Trump: (red-faced, shouting now)
“I’ve made America great again! What have you done for this country?”
Groucho: (lighting his cigar casually)
“I’ve made people laugh. And judging by this audience, I’m still doing a better job than you ever did.”
The crowd gives Groucho a standing ovation as Trump throws up his hands, muttering about “total losers.” Groucho tips his hat, takes a bow, and exits stage left, leaving Trump to stew in the aftermath of comedic annihilation.
