Title: "Elon Musk’s Mars Colonisation Rally: A Red Planet Fantasy"
Scene: A massive rally, set against the backdrop of a giant, rotating hologram of Mars. The crowd is dressed in space-themed outfits, waving flags that read “MARS OR BUST” and “RED PLANET, GREEN FUTURE.” Musk stands at the podium, wearing his signature smug grin, speaking with absolute conviction about his Mars colonisation plans. The air crackles with anticipation as the crowd hangs on every word.
Musk:
“Ladies and gentlemen! Today is the day we make history. No more living on Earth. Earth is overrated! Our true future lies above—on the Red Planet. We will colonise Mars. We will make it great again!”
Crowd: [roaring]
“Mars! Mars! Mars!”
Musk: [gesturing dramatically toward the hologram of Mars]
“Look at it! Our new home! A barren, inhospitable wasteland… that’s ours to reshape. We’ll build cities under giant glass domes! We’ll mine the precious minerals! And we’ll create a new society, free from the constraints of this ‘Earthly’ nonsense!”
Veritas-9000: [interrupting in a crisp, emotionless tone]
“Fact-check: Mars has no breathable atmosphere, no liquid water on its surface, and radiation levels far exceed human tolerance. Colonising Mars is, at best, a centuries-long, unfeasible goal.”
Musk: [not missing a beat, grinning even wider]
“You see, folks, some people will always try to bring up the negatives. They’ll tell you Mars is too dangerous, too barren. But I say—who cares?! We’re going to make Mars a thriving metropolis!”
Crowd Member 1: [to their friend]
“Is he serious about this? Can we even breathe on Mars?”
Crowd Member 2:
“Don’t ask questions. Just cheer and buy a flamethrower. We’re going to space!”
Musk:
“That's right! Imagine this: Mars… a place where you can leave your 9-5 job behind and trade it for a high-paying gig building inflatable Martian habitats!” [pauses for dramatic effect] “I’ll even throw in a Tesla for your commute.”
Veritas-9000:
“Fact-check: The cost of building a sustainable Martian colony, with the necessary life support systems, would be in the trillions of dollars. Tesla vehicles are not designed for Martian terrain, and are highly impractical for such conditions.”
Musk:
“Pfft! It’s always the same. People focus on details. But the future is about vision, about getting there, about doing the impossible! Forget about the gravity, forget about the radiation, forget about the lack of oxygen… we’ll figure it out!”
Crowd Member 3:
“But what about food? How do we eat on Mars?”
Musk:
“Simple! We’ll grow crops in hydroponic gardens! You’ll have fresh Martian lettuce with every meal!”
Veritas-9000:
“Fact-check: Mars has no soil suitable for agriculture. Hydroponic farming would require extensive artificial infrastructure, which is currently unfeasible.”
Musk: [laughing off Veritas-9000’s interjection]
“Ah, you see? That’s the old way of thinking! We are the innovators! We’ll solve the problems as we go! We’ll send billions of dollars worth of material and equipment to Mars before we even build the first colony. Don’t ask how we’ll fund it—just know it’ll be awesome!”
Crowd Member 4:
“So… what happens if we run out of money?”
Musk:
“That’s where it gets really fun! We’ll sell naming rights for craters! Big corporations will pay billions to have their logos etched into the Martian surface! It’s capitalism at its finest!”
Crowd Member 5: [shouting from the back]
“Can we get a Mars McDonald’s? I need that Big Mac on the Red Planet!”
Musk:
“Yes! Absolutely! Mars McDonald’s will be the first fast food chain on Mars. We’ll have the best fries in the galaxy. And guess what? They’ll be made from Martian potatoes! Well… hydroponically grown Martian potatoes.”
Veritas-9000:
“Fact-check: Martian soil does not support plant life in any meaningful way. The idea of creating a sustainable agricultural system for McDonald’s potatoes is not scientifically plausible.”
Musk: [ignoring the interruption, enthusiastically pacing]
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is our future! Imagine waking up every day to the red glow of the Martian sky, knowing that you’re part of something bigger than yourself. We’ll have everything: hovercars, Mars-themed theme parks, and—if I have my way—an interplanetary Wi-Fi network! Goodbye Earthly bandwidth limitations!”
Crowd Member 6:
“Wait, we can’t even get good Wi-Fi in my house. Now he wants Mars Wi-Fi?”
Musk:
“Of course! Mars Wi-Fi is faster, better, and exclusive. You can only get it by living on Mars!”
Veritas-9000:
“Fact-check: The delay between Mars and Earth, due to the distance, would make real-time communication virtually impossible. A global Wi-Fi network would face extreme latency.”
Musk:
“Well, okay, okay! Maybe Mars Wi-Fi will have a slight delay… but that just means you’ll have more time to think about what you want to tweet. It’s innovative!”
Crowd Member 7:
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this… are we sure we can go to Mars without dying?”
Musk:
“Look, look! Mars is our future! Our next step! Don’t be afraid of a little radiation or lack of air. It’s about the dream! Who needs Earth, right? It’s already… well… kinda… broken. Let’s fix Mars!”
Veritas-9000:
“Fact-check: Mars cannot be ‘fixed’ in the way you are suggesting. It is inherently inhospitable to human life, and any colonisation efforts would require extensive resources and technological advancements that are currently beyond our capabilities.”
Musk:
“Well, who says we can’t dream big? Let’s do it, people! Mars, here we come! The Red Planet will be our home, and we will make it great—again!”
Crowd: [wild applause, some confused, others excited]
“Mars! Mars! Mars!”
Veritas-9000: [dryly, as Musk exits stage, still chanting]
“Fact-check: No, you won’t.”
Curtain falls, crowd still chanting uncertainly, while Musk’s hologram flickers off.
