Trump Rally: "Make Math Great Again!"
“Folks, let me tell you—math is terrible right now. It’s a disaster. We’ve got bad math, folks, the worst math. The worst. I’m talking numbers that don’t even add up. No one knows what’s going on. But guess what? We’re going to fix it. I’m the best at fixing things. We’re going to make math great again.”
(The crowd claps, unsure if they’ve just entered a new dimension of political absurdity.)
“You know, they used to teach math in schools. You’d add, subtract, multiply, divide. Simple stuff, folks. But now? Now you have all these newfangled formulas—imaginary numbers, complex equations. Nobody knows what they mean. You ask someone about Pi, and they look at you like you’re crazy! They say, ‘It’s infinite,’ like that’s going to solve the problem. Well, let me tell you—I know Pi. It’s not that complicated. Pi is 3.14—very simple! In fact, if you round it, it’s 3. Done. No more. I just solved math for you right there, folks.”
(The crowd begins to cheer, a little too enthusiastically.)
“And let’s talk about these new kinds of math, like algebra and calculus. People think they’re smart with their X’s and Y’s—what’s the deal with X, anyway?—like, what’s this letter doing in math? We’re going to get rid of that. We’ll have easy numbers. Numbers you can understand. We’ll make math so simple, even a rock could do it. A rock, folks. You could teach it to a rock.”
(A guy in the crowd, trying to keep up, yells, “I love rocks!” Everyone cheers.)
“And then we’ve got these equations, which are just too much. You want an equation? Here’s an equation: 1+1=2. That’s it! No need for any of these fancy symbols. We don’t need variables, folks! Variables are a disaster. They’re like liberal elites—they just complicate everything. We're going to make math great again. It’s going to be so simple, even a child could do it. We’re going to teach kids to count using hands—they’ve got ten fingers, folks. That’s all we need!”
(A person in the front row raises their hand, “But what about negative numbers?” Trump pauses and grins.)
“Negative numbers? I’m not a fan. Negative numbers are for losers. Losers, folks. We’re going to make math all positive. No more negativity! Everything is going to be positive—100% positive. It’s going to be a positive math revolution!”
(The crowd starts chanting “Positive math! Positive math!”)
“Now, let’s talk about geometry, folks. Remember geometry? Remember circles? Well, guess what? No more circles. Done. Circles are gone. We’re going to bring back squares. Square is the shape of the future, folks. It’s the shape of success. And guess what? No more triangles either. Triangles are too complex, okay? Too pointy. We’re bringing back the square—the most stable shape.”
(Some people start shouting “Square! Square!”)
“And let’s get rid of these math textbooks. They’re filled with lies. You open a math book and they say, ‘Here’s a proof.’ Folks, it’s not a proof, it’s a conspiracy. We don’t need proofs. We’ll have math that works. We’re going to prove math without proving anything. It's going to be beautiful math. Math you can look at and say, ‘Wow, this is gorgeous.’”
(The crowd erupts in applause, and a few people wipe tears from their eyes.)
“We’re going to bring math back to the people, folks. Simple math for the working man. If you’re making $2 an hour, you should be able to count $2 an hour. We’re going to make sure that every American knows how to do math so well, they’ll be able to calculate their tax refund in ten seconds flat. Ten seconds, folks.”
(A voice from the back calls out, “But what about compound interest?” Trump grins.)
“Compound interest? Nobody’s ever heard of it. Nobody knows what it is. It’s like magic—it doesn’t exist. We’re going to make interest work for you. No compounds, no interest rates. Just give me your money, and I’ll make sure you’re happy. You’ll be rich. No more confusion.”
(People begin chanting “Make math simple!” as Trump smiles proudly, oblivious to the chaos.)
“Thank you, thank you, folks. We’re going to make math great again! We’re going to make math so easy, even a dog could do it—and I’ve seen dogs do math, folks. Believe me.”
(The crowd cheers wildly, clapping, while several of them ponder if they’ve just entered a strange new dimension where the laws of mathematics don’t apply.)
Trump Rally: "Make Math Great Again!" (Part II)
“Alright, folks, let me tell you something else. You’ve heard of ‘infinity,’ right? People say it’s endless, like it never stops. Well, guess what? I’ve figured it out. Infinity? It’s not real. It’s fake news. We’re gonna stop infinity, okay? We’re putting a stop to it right now. If you can’t count to 10,000, that’s your limit. No more counting forever. That’s just lazy math, folks.”
(The crowd stares, unsure of whether they should clap or check if they’ve been transported to a parallel universe where all logic has been erased.)
“Now, let’s talk about fractions. Fractions are for cowards. Why divide anything, folks? You know what’s better than a fraction? Whole numbers. We’re going to make everything a whole number. You want half a pizza? Nope. You get a whole pizza. That’s the kind of math we need. Big, beautiful numbers, no cutting things in half.”
(An enthusiastic supporter yells, “Full pizzas!” The crowd starts chanting, “No more fractions!”)
“And the square root? Don’t even get me started. Square roots are the root of all evil. You take a number and it splits into two parts? That’s a disaster. No more roots, folks. We’ll make numbers whole again. You want a square root of 16? Let’s just call it 16, okay? Simple. No splitting. We’re keeping it together!”
(A lone figure in the crowd holds up a calculator, whispering, “What about the square root of 9?” Trump points at them dramatically.)
“Square root of 9? I don’t know who told you about that, but we’re not doing it. We’re putting the square root on ice. It’s a scam, folks. A total scam. That’s right, I said it.”
(The crowd starts chanting “No more roots! No more roots!”)
“And let’s talk about these so-called ‘constants.’ Pi, e, the speed of light—all these so-called ‘constants.’ Do you know what a constant is? It’s something that never changes. That’s not how we do math in America. We change everything. You want pi to be 3.14? Well, I say we make it 2. Done. Just changed pi. Just like that.”
(One confused bystander whispers to another, “Does he mean we have to round all our pies?” They both shrug, not sure how to process the implications.)
“We’re going to rebrand math. It’s going to be so good, folks, you won’t even need a calculator. We’ll get rid of calculators—total waste of technology. You’ll do math in your head, like a real American. You’ll be able to calculate the tip at a restaurant in three seconds. Three seconds, folks! Fast math!”
(Another voice calls out, “But what about... zero?” Trump pauses for dramatic effect.)
“Zero? What’s zero ever done for us? Nothing. We’re getting rid of zero. It’s not even a number! It’s a trick. We’ll replace it with a new symbol—a star. Stars are the future. The number zero will be banished to the outer reaches of space where it belongs.”
(The crowd looks at each other, uncertain if they’re still in America or a dream where all reason has been discarded.)
“You want to know how we’ll make math great again? We’re going to make math MAGA. That’s right, folks. MAGA math. We’ll have numbers so big, you won’t believe them. Big, bold numbers that scream ‘freedom’ and ‘success.’ We’ll have math textbooks with pictures of eagles and the American flag on every page. The only math you’ll need is multiplication—times the American spirit!”
(A few people in the back start waving miniature flags, chanting “MAGA math!”)
“Thank you, thank you, folks. We're going to make math great again. We’re going to make math so simple, your dog could do it. And believe me, I’ve seen dogs doing math. The best dogs, folks. And they’re winning. They’re winning at math!”
(The crowd erupts in deafening applause, some people still unsure whether they’ve entered a new dimension of political absurdity or a parallel universe where math is as flexible as their beliefs.)