Scene: The White House Press Briefing Room – Ronald McDonald’s First Press Conference
Ronald, with a giant red clown wig bouncing with each step, takes the stage. The press room is half-filled with reporters, some too scared to ask questions and others completely baffled by what’s happening. A large display behind him shows a giant "McDonalds: The White House Edition" banner.
Reporter 1: (nervously raising their hand) “Mr. President, you've announced the creation of a free fry army. What does that mean for the military budget?”
Ronald McDonald: (grinning broadly) “Oh, don’t worry about that! We’re going to replace the military with McNuggets. They’ll fight for our freedom, bite by bite. What do you think? It’s totally revolutionary!”
Reporter 2: “Are you saying we’re going to militarise fast food?”
Ronald McDonald: (nodding enthusiastically) “Absolutely! McNuggets are the future of peacekeeping. They’re tough, they’re crispy, and they’re always ready to defend a Happy Meal!”
There’s an awkward silence as reporters digest this bizarre turn of events.
Reporter 3: “But Mr. President, there’s no actual plan for national security beyond McNuggets. What happens if we face an actual threat?”
Ronald McDonald: (smiling as if it's obvious) “Threat? Easy! We’ll literally ketchup on our defence strategy! You can’t attack a country where everyone’s smiling, holding fries and Big Macs. You’d never get past the drive-thru!”
Reporter 1: “What about the environment, Mr. President? The rising sea levels?”
Ronald McDonald: (pauses dramatically, thinking) “We’ll build the sea levels into an attraction! Think about it: a floating McDonald's on the ocean. It’s like a restaurant and a cruise, all in one! We call it the McSea! We can all ride the waves of success!”
The room is silent, the absurdity taking a moment to settle in.
Scene: The McDonald’s National Address – Ronald McDonald’s First Evening Speech to the Nation
Ronald stands behind a podium that has a giant smiling clown face on it, holding a Coke in one hand and a Big Mac in the other. The camera zooms in as he begins his first evening address.
Ronald McDonald: “My fellow Americans! Today marks the dawn of a new era. An era where we all embrace the cheeseburger within! Let’s put the 'fun' back into fundamentals, the ‘cheese’ back into our hearts, and the ‘fries’ back into our hands! No one is too big for a Happy Meal, and no one is too small for a super-sized vision of the future.”
He pauses to take a bite of his Big Mac.
Ronald McDonald: “Together, we’ll conquer the future—one fry at a time!”
