Trump’s "Make Uncertainty Great Again" Rally
The stage is set, and the slogan "MAKE UNCERTAINTY GREAT AGAIN" is plastered across banners, hats, and balloons. Trump walks out to raucous applause, holding two cue cards that he dramatically tosses away.
"Folks, I don’t need notes. I don’t need plans. You know why? Because plans are overrated. The future is uncertain, and you know what? That’s beautiful. That’s what makes life exciting. We’re here today to make uncertainty great again!"
The crowd cheers, but a few puzzled faces can be spotted.
"You see, the experts—they hate uncertainty. They want to predict everything. The stock market, the weather, elections. But let me tell you, folks, predictions are for losers. Nobody predicted me, and yet, here I am! I’m living proof that uncertainty is tremendous."
A sceptical voice from the audience:
"But Mr. Trump, doesn’t uncertainty cause instability?"
Trump leans into the mic.
"Exactly! Instability is wonderful. Without instability, you don’t get excitement. Look at me—every day is unpredictable. The media? They don’t know what I’ll say next. My staff? Clueless. Even I don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow! And that’s why I’m the best."
"Let’s talk about the economy. People say they want certainty in the markets. But if you know what’s going to happen, where’s the fun? I say let’s keep Wall Street on their toes. Let’s have random tax policies! One day, no taxes. The next day, 90%. Spin the wheel, folks! That’s how you keep the economy exciting."
An economist in the crowd raises his hand.
"But won’t that cause chaos?"
Trump smirks.
"Chaos, my friend, is the engine of greatness. You don’t win by playing it safe. You win by keeping everyone guessing. Trust me, the economy loves a little uncertainty. I mean, just look at Bitcoin. Nobody knows what it’s doing, but people love it!"
"And let’s not forget foreign policy. They say we need clear strategies. I say, why? Why tell people what you’re going to do? Keep them guessing. One day, we’re best friends with Canada. The next day? Who knows? Maybe we invade them for their maple syrup. It’s all about the element of surprise, folks."
A woman in the crowd looks horrified.
"Invade Canada? Are you serious?"
Trump shrugs.
"Maybe. Maybe not. That’s the beauty of uncertainty. They’ll never see it coming. And let me tell you, the maple syrup industry will love it."
"Now, education. People say we need a solid curriculum. But why teach kids facts? Facts are boring. Let’s teach them questions! Let’s teach them to guess. The new math curriculum? Every answer is ‘maybe.’ History? Forget timelines—let’s just teach them ‘stuff happened.’ It’s the most honest way, folks."
A teacher in the crowd yells:
"But how will students pass exams if they don’t know anything?"
Trump beams.
"They won’t need to! We’ll scrap exams. Instead, we’ll have guessing contests. Whoever guesses the most answers correctly becomes valedictorian. It’s fair, it’s fun, and it’s uncertain! What’s not to love?"
"And healthcare! They say people want certainty about their treatments. But let me tell you, a little mystery goes a long way. Imagine going to the doctor and spinning a wheel to see what you get. Chemotherapy? A Band-Aid? A lollipop? It keeps things exciting, folks. Keeps people on their toes."
A doctor in the crowd shouts:
"But what about safety?"
Trump grins.
"Safety is overrated. Life itself is uncertain. Why fight it? Just embrace the thrill. Let’s make every hospital visit an adventure!"
"Finally, folks, we’re going to create the Department of Uncertainty. Its mission will be to make sure no one ever knows what’s going on. No more clear answers from the government. Every press release will end with, ‘Or will it?’ Every policy will be announced with a shrug emoji. It’s going to be tremendous."
A reporter, furiously scribbling notes, asks:
"But how can we trust a government that doesn’t provide clarity?"
Trump winks.
"You can’t. And that’s the point. Trust is boring. Suspense is where it’s at. You’ll never know if we’re doing a good job, but you’ll always be interested. That’s what makes uncertainty great."
The rally ends with Trump leading the crowd in a chant:
"What do we want?""WE DON’T KNOW!""When do we want it?""MAYBE SOON!"
As the audience disperses, some are scratching their heads, others are laughing, and a few are frantically Googling "how to move to Canada." Trump, meanwhile, waves confidently, certain only in his uncertainty.
