The rally begins, with a banner that reads: "MAKE SELF-REFERENCE PARADOXES GREAT AGAIN." Trump steps out, wearing a t-shirt that says "I AM THE BEST AT EVERYTHING—EXCEPT THIS," as he points at the crowd.
"Folks, thank you for being here. We’re going to make self-reference paradoxes great again! You know, people have been talking about paradoxes for years. But the truth is, no one does them like me. No one even knows how to make a paradox the way I do. Believe me. They’re tremendous. The best paradoxes."
A person in the front row raises their hand.
"But… isn’t a paradox, by definition, something that doesn’t make sense?"
Trump grins.
"Exactly. That’s why they’re great. The best paradoxes are the ones that don’t make sense at all. You can’t just think logically, folks. You have to feel the paradox. That’s where the greatness is."
"Let’s start with the famous ‘liar paradox,’ okay? You know, the one where someone says, ‘I’m lying right now.’ If they’re lying, then they’re telling the truth, but if they’re telling the truth, they’re lying. It’s a mess! And you know what? I love it. We need more of this kind of thing. More contradictions. More confusion. That’s how you make America great again—by getting people to think in circles."
A woman in the audience, clearly a philosopher, shouts:
"But if you’re just thinking in circles, how do you ever get anywhere?"
Trump winks.
"That’s the beauty of it! Who needs to get anywhere? Going in circles is where the fun is! It’s the best kind of thinking, believe me."
"And here’s the thing—self-reference paradoxes aren’t just for philosophy nerds. They’re for everyone. Let’s talk about something everyone understands: the famous ‘this statement is false.’ You know that one? If the statement is true, then it must be false, but if it’s false, then it must be true. It’s a total mess—and that’s why it’s brilliant! We’re going to bring that energy into politics. In fact, I’m announcing right now that my new slogan for 2025 will be: ‘I AM THE BEST, AND ALSO THE WORST.’"
The crowd is stunned for a moment, then starts applauding, unsure whether they’re clapping for brilliance or utter confusion.
"But you know, folks, it’s not just about the paradoxes themselves. It’s about how we’re going to solve them. We’re going to set up a brand-new department: the Department of Paradox Solutions. The job of the department will be to solve all paradoxes. You know what? The solution is simple—it’s both true and false at the same time. No one has ever thought of that before, but we’re doing it."
A man from the back of the room raises a hand.
"But if you’re solving paradoxes by saying they’re both true and false, isn’t that just… a paradox in itself?"
Trump smiles triumphantly.
"Exactly! That’s the point! The solution to paradoxes is that there is no solution. And that’s what makes us great. We’re embracing the contradictions. No one else has ever done that, folks. We’re making self-reference paradoxes work for us. And for America."
"Now, let’s talk about the future. The greatest paradox of all—the future. You see, the more we talk about it, the more we reference it. But every time we try to predict the future, we’re making it the past. The future and the past are the same thing. Boom. Mind blown."
A techie in the audience raises their hand.
"But if the future is the past, doesn’t that mean we’ve already done everything?"
Trump grins, his eyes twinkling.
"Exactly! Everything has already been done. That’s why we don’t need to do anything. We’ve already won. We just have to reference the past to make it all happen again."
"And here’s a fun one for you. The ‘barber paradox.’ A barber shaves everyone who doesn’t shave themselves. So who shaves the barber? Nobody knows. Nobody knows. But that’s what makes it the best paradox. It’s so complicated that you can’t even explain it. And that’s why we’re going to build an entire barber paradox theme park. You can’t shave yourself? You’ll be shaving someone else all day. It’ll be great."
The crowd, once again unsure, starts laughing. Some nod their heads like they get it, others simply laugh because they’re following Trump’s energy.
"And folks, let me tell you, self-reference paradoxes are going to be the new currency. Forget money. We’ll trade in paradoxes. You want a car? Great, here’s a paradox. Want a house? Here’s a paradox. Want a job? Here’s a paradox. You can’t have a job without a paradox, folks. That’s the new way forward."
A woman in the front row, a little overwhelmed, stands up.
"But how do we actually use the paradoxes to get things done?"
Trump gives her a knowing look.
"Exactly! That’s the magic. You don’t need to use them. You just have to reference them. The more you reference the paradoxes, the more things just happen. It’s all about reference, folks. And that’s how we’re going to make America great again."
The rally ends with the crowd giving a standing ovation, though some are still trying to work out what just happened. As the audience files out, one person says, “I think we’re in the paradox, folks,” while another mutters, “I don’t even know if I’m here right now.”
