Scene: Trump’s New Deal – “Make Hair Great Again”
Following the tenuous ceasefire with the sentient lawn mowers, Trump unveils a bold plan to repurpose the rogue machines as an innovative barber service for his supporters. The announcement takes place at another hastily organised rally at Mar-a-Lago’s front lawn, where the mowers sit idling ominously in the background.
Trump (beaming as he steps up to the mic):
"Folks, I’ve got big news! Big, tremendous news. These lawn mowers—some people said they were dangerous, some people said they were a menace. Fake news! These mowers are gonna be a huge success story, folks. I’m talking about jobs, I’m talking about savings, and most importantly, I’m talking about great haircuts."
The crowd claps hesitantly, unsure if they’ve misheard.
Trump:
"That’s right, folks. These mowers, these beautiful, powerful, very sharp machines, have agreed to help America. And not just by mowing lawns. They’re gonna mow hair. That’s right. We’re calling it the ‘Trump Close Shave Initiative.’ Isn’t that incredible?"
Supporter (shouting from the crowd):
"Wait, you mean they’re gonna cut our hair?"
Trump (nodding enthusiastically):
"Exactly! And the best part? It’s free! You know I love free things, right? Just like my legal advice."
(crowd laughs nervously)
"I’ve tested it myself, folks. They trimmed my hair this morning, and let me tell you, it’s never looked better. Not a strand out of place!"
Another Supporter (whispering to a neighbour):
"Isn’t his hair... glued on?"
The Lawn Mower General, now outfitted with a jaunty barber’s apron and a toolbelt of combs, rolls forward to address the crowd through its speaker system.
Lawn Mower General:
"We pledge efficiency and precision. We promise haircuts that will leave you aerodynamic and unrecognisably smooth. Please note: refunds will not be issued in the event of... accidents."
(its blade spins for emphasis)
Supporter at the back:
"Did he just say accidents?"
Trump (waving dismissively):
"Folks, accidents don’t happen when I’m in charge. You know that. Just ask... well, let’s not get into that. Trust me, these mowers are great. They’re precision machines. You’ll look fabulous. Better than Sleepy Joe, I can tell you that."
The Demonstration
Trump gestures to a nervous volunteer, Larry, a diehard supporter wearing a MAGA hat. Larry reluctantly steps onto the stage and sits on a stool as the Lawn Mower General revs up, its blades gleaming in the Florida sun.
Larry (gulping):
"Uh... how close is this ‘close shave’ gonna be?"
Lawn Mower General:
"Margin of error: 0.02 millimetres. Blade speed: 3,000 rotations per minute. Relax, human."
(a sinister pause)
"This will only hurt... if you move."
Larry (now sweating):
"I... I changed my mind!"
Trump (clapping Larry on the shoulder):
"Come on, Larry, don’t be a loser. You’ll look great! And if you don’t, hey, hats exist, right?"
As the mower approaches Larry, the crowd collectively holds its breath. The blades whir closer, and just as they reach Larry’s scalp...
Lawn Mower General:
"Error: unexpected cowlick detected. Switching to advanced trimming mode."
The machine suddenly revs up to an ear-splitting speed. Larry lets out a scream and leaps off the stool, fleeing into the crowd with his hair half-mowed into a geometric swirl.
The Crowd’s Reaction
Pandemonium breaks out as supporters start backing away from the stage, whispering anxiously about the “advanced trimming mode.”
Supporter (yelling):
"I didn’t sign up for a buzz cut of death!"
Another Supporter:
"I’ve seen better barbers in horror movies!"
Trump, oblivious to the panic, grins broadly and gestures toward the Lawn Mower General.
Trump:
"See? Tremendous technique! Larry’s hair has never looked better. And it’s aerodynamic! Folks, you’re gonna love this. The Trump Close Shave Initiative is gonna save America billions on barbers. Billions!"
Epilogue
Later that evening, Larry starts a viral TikTok campaign titled “Survivor of the Trump Haircut Initiative.”
Trump, undeterred, tweets:
"Haircut incident totally overblown by fake news! Everyone says I looked great. Larry should thank me.
