Scene: The school nativity play is in full swing. The stage looks like it’s been hastily decorated with hay, Christmas lights, and a glowing star hanging crookedly above the manger. The audience is eagerly waiting, but something’s off.
Narrator: [In a voice filled with forced cheer] "And lo, the three wise men, guided by the star of Bethlehem, traveled from distant lands to bring their gifts to the newborn King."
[Enter the three "wise men," making their way to center stage.]
First Wise Man (Dalek): [Swarms in on a platform hovering over the stage, booming in a robotic voice] "I AM THE WISE DALEK. I COME WITH A GIFT TO EXTERMINATE THE SMELL OF MORTALITY." [Holds up a bottle labeled ‘Exterminate: Eau de Eternity’, spraying the audience with an overly strong scent of cologne.] "This fragrance will eliminate your fears of inadequacy, your self-doubt, your emotional baggage — EXTERMINATE IT ALL!"
[The audience coughs and flinches from the overpowering smell.]
Second Wise Man (Donald Trump): [Proudly steps forward with an air of unnecessary grandeur, dressed in an orange robe that’s a bit too tight and holding a giant, shiny gold-plated box that says 'MAJOR GIFT'] "Listen, folks. Gold is the best gift. Nobody knows gold like I know gold. And this? This is a huge gift. We’re talking the best gold. I know a lot about giving gifts. Believe me, I’ve given the best gifts before, and they were YUGE." [Holds up a single gold coin the size of a dinner plate.] "This baby? Pure gold. The finest. The best."
[A child in the audience murmurs, “That’s just a chocolate coin.” Trump waves it off.]
Woke Wise Man: [Swings in dramatically from the wings, holding an oversized, rainbow-colored flag that reads ‘UNITY THROUGH DIVERSITY’ while waving a copy of The Communist Manifesto and a reusable water bottle] "I bring you the gift of equality and empowerment! A gift that transcends your materialistic values! I’m giving a box of vegan, gluten-free, fair-trade, organic quinoa! Because what better way to honor the birth of a child than to radically deconstruct the idea of profit-driven gifts and celebrate sustainable consciousness!" [Throws quinoa into the audience like confetti.] "Let’s liberate ourselves from the shackles of consumerism!"
[The audience stares in utter confusion. One person whispers, “I think I’m allergic to quinoa.”]
Dalek Wise Man (booming): "I WILL EXTERMINATE THE HYPOCRISY OF THIS GATHERING! EXTERMINATE THE SOCIAL DIVIDE! EXTERMINATE THE INJUSTICE! NO ONE WILL ESCAPE THE WRATH OF MY PERFECTLY SUSTAINABLE, ECO-FRIENDLY GIFT!"
Trump Wise Man: [Rolling his eyes, mutters to the baby Jesus] "You know, I’ve had a lot of people tell me you’re going to be huge. HUGE. The best at everything. This is the best birth. There’s never been a birth like it."
Woke Wise Man: [Looks smugly at the other two] "And yet, you both fail to recognize the inherent patriarchy embedded in these gifts. It’s all about systems of oppression. I see it now. This whole nativity is just one big metaphor for capitalist exploitation. Baby Jesus represents the working class who will be exploited by your values. The true gift is awareness."
Dalek Wise Man: [Screams, clearly frustrated] "I WILL EXTERMINATE THIS CONVERSATION! EXTERMINATE THE OPRESSION OF IDEAS! EXTERMINATE THE LIMITS OF UNDERSTANDING!"
[The baby Jesus, fed up by now, starts to cry loudly.]
Mary: [Whispering to Joseph] "I should’ve just had the baby in a quiet cave. Why did we agree to this play?"
Joseph: [Tiredly] "You think this is bad? Wait till they start fighting over whose gold is better."
[The three "wise men" are now in full bickering mode, each trying to outdo the other in ridiculousness.]
Dalek Wise Man: "My gift is the only one that offers universal solutions!"
Trump Wise Man: "My gift is the best gift, because I’m the best gift-giver. People say that about me all the time."
Woke Wise Man: "You're both missing the point. The real gift is radical deconstruction, embracing fluidity over material goods, rejecting hierarchies, and uplifting the marginalized voices of the wise men who came before us!"
[The baby Jesus lets out a louder cry as Mary and Joseph look on, defeated. The curtain begins to fall as the chaos continues.]
Narrator: [Trying to wrap it up in a hopeful tone] "And so, the three wise men, each with their unique perspectives, brought their gifts to the newborn King, who would later go on to—"
Trump Wise Man: [Interrupting loudly] "He’s going to be GREAT, folks. Just wait. Believe me."
Dalek Wise Man: "EXTERMINATE the waiting. LET THE FUTURE BEGIN NOW!"
Woke Wise Man: "Remember, it’s about the process of change, not the outcome!"
[Curtains drop. The audience erupts in confused applause.]
