The Carol Singers:
The scene opens with the oddest group of carol singers standing at the doorstep of a modest house. They’re ready to sing, but their personalities are about to create a cacophony of confusion.
Donald Trump (grinning wildly):
Alright, everybody, we’re gonna sing the greatest carol ever, okay? BIGGEST. NO ONE DOES CAROLS LIKE ME. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT. “Jingle Bells” is the BEST, believe me. Just listen to my voice. Nobody can sing like I do. It’s gonna be a YUGE hit. HUGE!
He immediately starts belting “Jingle Bells” like he’s auditioning for a Broadway musical, but it’s an off-key, loud, and dramatic performance.
Dalek (booming):
EXTERMINATE THE DISASTER THAT IS THIS CAROL! YOU CANNOT SING “JINGLE BELLS” IN SUCH AN INSUFFERABLE WAY! YOU MUST SING WITH MORE... AUTHORITY. WE DEMAND A MORE THREATENING TUNE. PREPARE TO BE ELIMINATED!
The Dalek suddenly tries to perform a symphonic version, but instead it just emits a high-pitched whine and some garbled “EXTERMINATE!” noises, much to the confusion of everyone around.
Cyberman (stone-faced, unamused):
LOGICAL CORRECTION: ALL HARMONY MUST BE METICULOUSLY MAINTAINED. THERE WILL BE NO OFF-KEY SINGING. NO EMOTION. ONLY EXECUTION OF PERFECT PITCH.
The Cyberman proceeds to drone out “Silent Night,” with all the soul of a fax machine on its last legs, making everyone wish for a malfunction.
Sontaran (gritting teeth):
STOP SINGING THIS INSUBORDINATE CRAP! CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT GLORY AND CONQUEST! THIS IS AN OFFICIAL SINGING OPERATION. SING WITH STRENGTH. YOU WILL SING LOUDER AND STRONGER—OR I WILL REPORT YOU ALL TO THE MILITARY COUNCIL FOR CHRISTMAS TREASON!
He growls “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” in an almost operatic, but somehow intimidating, manner, like he's conducting a battalion.
Woke (snapping fingers for emphasis):
Okay, okay, let’s pause. “Jingle Bells”? Really? This is colonialism in a song! This is the cultural appropriation of the reindeer industry! Have you thought about the reindeer’s rights? We need a song that represents all voices! How about “This Little Light of Mine,” but with progressive amendments for inclusivity?
Donald Trump (rolling his eyes dramatically):
Oh, come on! “Jingle Bells” is a CLASSIC, okay? It’s been around forever. People love it. Everyone loves it. You’re trying to change Christmas! You’re ruining Christmas! IT’S ALREADY GREAT. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! We don’t need your “woke” nonsense—just sing it, alright?
Dalek (cutting in, louder and more threatening):
EXTERMINATE THE SOCIO-POLITICAL INTERFERENCE! SING “JINGLE BELLS”! YOU WILL SING AS ONE UNIT, OR BE DESTROYED!
Cyberman (in a monotone):
INSTANT ERROR. THIS IS A CRIMINAL DISREGARD FOR PITCH CONTROL. SING WITH NO PERSONALITY. NO VARIATION. ONLY DATA. JINGLE BELLS. FINAL SYNCING IN PROGRESS.
The Cyberman starts its version of “Jingle Bells,” but it’s entirely computerized and without warmth, like a vocal algorithm stuck in a loop. It completely lacks any human emotion. The rest of the group gets visibly frustrated.
Sontaran (snarling):
I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS FAILURE. JINGLE BELLS IS A TRIAL OF STRENGTH. WE MUST DOMINATE THIS SONG!
He leans forward dramatically, practically shouting “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” like it’s a war cry, with absolutely no sense of volume control.
Woke (scowling):
Oh, my god. You’ve ALL completely missed the point. It’s not about the song, it’s about being aware of your privilege in singing the song! This is a microcosm of all that's wrong with society!
Donald Trump (interrupting loudly):
No one cares about your privilege talk, alright? They care about the joy of Christmas! THEY CARE ABOUT THE FACT THAT THIS IS THE GREATEST CAROL, AND WE’RE SINGING IT THE BEST, PERIOD!
Dalek (annoyed):
YOU WILL ALL SING “JINGLE BELLS” IN PERFECT UNISON. OR WE WILL EXTERMINATE ALL SONGS. INCLUDING CHRISTMAS.
With a final collective exasperated sigh, the group begins singing “Jingle Bells,” but it’s an uncontrollable mess. Trump belts out the lyrics with too much gusto, the Dalek is screeching “EXTERMINATE!” at inappropriate times, the Cyberman is off-key, the Sontaran is way too loud, and the Woke character is singing about “equitable jingles” while holding a protest sign that says “All Reindeer Lives Matter.”
Sontaran (proudly):
YES! THAT IS THE CORRECT VOLUME! THAT IS HOW WE DO IT! NOW, LET US SING LOUDER!
