Victims of Life Hacks Gone Wrong – A Support Group Meeting.
[Scene: A dingy community centre meeting room. A sad banner reads “Support Group: Life Hack Survivors.” A circle of mismatched chairs holds the wounded, the defeated, and the profoundly misled.]
Chairperson (MELANIE, 40s, weary but kind):
"Welcome, everyone. Remember, admitting you fell for a ‘life hack’ is the first step to recovery."
[A weak chorus of “Hi, Melanie” follows.]
MELANIE:
"Who’d like to start? Nigel?"
[All eyes turn to NIGEL (30s, still singed, faintly sulphuric-smelling). He shifts uncomfortably.]
NIGEL:
"I… I tried to boil eggs in my kettle. The hack said it was ‘quick and efficient.’"
[A pause. A solemn nod from DAVE.]
DAVE (50s, bitter):
"The kettle exploded, didn’t it?"
NIGEL (softly, haunted):
"It was like a grenade full of regret."
[Sympathetic murmurs.]
LINDA (60s, toothless, sipping a smoothie through a straw):
"I brushed my teeth with baking soda and lemon juice every day. ‘Natural whitening,’ they said. ‘Better than fluoride,’ they said."
[She attempts a smile. It’s pure gum.]
MELANIE:
"Thank you for sharing, Linda. Colin?"
COLIN (mid-40s, rubbing his knee, which is duct-taped):
"I read WD-40 stops squeaking. Turns out that applies to door hinges, not knees."
[Murmurs of horror. DAVE instinctively clutches his kneecap.]
TREVOR (30s, laptop on his lap, a USB cable dangling uselessly):
"I superglued my charging cable in place. Now my laptop’s dead and my wife left me."
[A beat.]
MELANIE:
"Wait… your wife left you because of the charger?"
TREVOR (staring at the floor):
"It was the final straw."
MARGARET (50s, clutching a bruised avocado):
"I saw a post saying if you put avocados in the dishwasher, they ripen overnight."
[Everyone leans in. DAVE gasps.]
DAVE:
"Did it work?"
MARGARET (whispers, traumatised):
"No."
[Silence. A collective shudder.]
MELANIE:
"Thank you, Margaret. That was very brave. Anyone else?"
[Pause. Everyone looks at DAVE, who sighs and rubs his bald head.]
DAVE:
"I… I microwaved my phone to ‘charge it faster.’"
[GASPS.]
NIGEL:
"Oh my God."
LINDA:
"You poor fool."
TREVOR:
"That was you?! I saw the news story!"
[DAVE nods grimly.]
DAVE (voice breaking):
"There was… fire."
[Everyone sits in heavy silence.]
MELANIE:
"Alright. Deep breaths, everyone. Let's repeat our affirmation: ‘Just because it’s on the internet, doesn’t mean it’s true.’"
[They mumble along, still traumatised.]
MELANIE:
"See you all next week. And remember: Never trust a TikTok chef."
[As they file out, NIGEL pulls MELANIE aside.]
NIGEL (whispers, desperate):
"Melanie… can you really clean a toilet with Coke?"
[Melanie closes her eyes. She’s heard too much. She walks away.]
FADE TO BLACK.
