Title: MAGA Buyer's Remorse Support Group: Coping with Consequences
Scene: A dimly lit basement of a community centre. A folding table with a half-empty box of donuts and a large jug of room-temperature coffee. A banner on the wall reads: "Step One: Admit You Screwed Up."
FACILITATOR (SHARON): Welcome, everyone, to another session of the MAGA Buyer's Remorse Support Group. This is a safe space. No judgement, no shame—just healing. Who would like to begin?
BILL: (deep breath) Hi, I’m Bill.
GROUP: Hi, Bill.
BILL: It’s been six months since I realised… I did this. We did this.
SHARON: That’s a big step, Bill. Would you like to share more?
BILL: (nods) I just thought… how bad could a second Trump term really be? But then… (voice breaks) he declared himself President for Life after winning by 3%.
GROUP: (murmurs of sympathy, some dabbing their eyes)
LINDA: (shaky voice) Hi, I’m Linda.
GROUP: Hi, Linda.
LINDA: I… I sold my house to donate to his campaign because he said he needed one more big push. Now I live in my car, and he just appointed Don Jr. to the Supreme Court.
BILL: (nodding) We’ve all been there.
SHARON: Linda, that’s a painful lesson. But acknowledging it is the first step toward recovery.
RANDY: (angrily) I just want to say, I still believe in him!
SHARON: That’s okay, Randy. This is a journey. Acceptance takes time.
RANDY: (sobbing) But if I let that go, who am I?!
SHARON: You’re more than just a guy who screamed at grocery store clerks about mail-in ballots. You have a future.
RANDY: (softly) That… that sounds nice.
(A MAN IN A PATRIOTIC SUIT STANDS UP FROM THE BACK ROW.)
BLAKE: Hi, everyone. I don’t mean to interrupt, but I have something that might help.
SHARON: Oh no…
BLAKE: It’s called Patriot Water. Pure, untainted American hydration. Filtered through the ideals of the Founding Fathers. Only $19.99 a bottle! And for a limited time, I’ll throw in a Freedom Straw—so you can drink like an American.
LINDA: (whispers) …Isn’t that just tap water in a red, white, and blue bottle?
BLAKE: (offended) Absolutely not! This is liberty-infused.
SHARON: Blake, we talked about this. No grifting in the remorse group.
BLAKE: (grumbling) Fine.
(BLAKE SITS, BUT THEN A NEW FIGURE SLOWLY STANDS UP, WEARING SUNGLASSES AND A RED HAT.)
CARL: I just want to say… this isn’t Trump. The real Trump is in a CIA black site. This is a clone—or worse, an AI deepfake controlled by Soros!
GROUP: (collective groan)
SHARON: Carl, we’ve been over this. You have to want to heal.
CARL: (whispers) The storm is still coming…
SHARON: Alright, everyone. Deep breaths. Let’s say our affirmation together. Ready?
GROUP: "I am more than my conspiracy theories. I am worthy of logic and reason. The grift is not my master."
(Lights fade to black.)
