TITLE: How to Win Friends and Influence People While Trapped in a Lift
[Scene: A broken-down lift. Four people: Nigel, a nervous office worker, a no-nonsense businesswoman, and a grumpy old man.]
NIGEL (cheerfully): Well, what a golden opportunity!
GRUMPY OLD MAN: For what? Dying in a metal coffin?
NIGEL: No, no! For bonding! I once read a book on exactly this situation. It’s called How to Win Friends and Influence People While Trapped in a Lift.
BUSINESSWOMAN: There’s no way that book exists.
NIGEL (holding up a battered copy): Oh, it does! And according to Chapter One, our first step is to establish trust and rapport through deep eye contact.
[He locks eyes intensely with the Nervous Office Worker, who shifts uncomfortably.]
NERVOUS OFFICE WORKER: Please stop.
NIGEL (flipping pages): Ah! Chapter Two suggests we engage in a bonding exercise! Let’s each share our most vulnerable secret. I’ll start—I still sleep with a stuffed penguin named Reginald.
GRUMPY OLD MAN: Good for you. My secret is that I hate talking to people.
BUSINESSWOMAN: Mine is that I once fired someone just for saying "Happy Monday."
NERVOUS OFFICE WORKER: I... I think I might be allergic to my own deodorant?
NIGEL (beaming): Fantastic progress! Now, Chapter Three recommends establishing a clear group hierarchy by forming a human pyramid.
BUSINESSWOMAN: Absolutely not.
NIGEL: But the book says—
[The lift suddenly jolts back to life. The doors open. Everyone scrambles out immediately, except Nigel.]
NIGEL (calling after them): Wait! We didn’t finish Chapter Four—Trust Falls!
BUSINESSWOMAN: Goodbye, Nigel.
[Doors close. Nigel is alone. He shrugs and starts re-reading Chapter One... just as the lift breaks down again.]
[End scene.]
