Scene: Boxing Day Sales Frenzy
The doors to the store open, and the group bursts in with the fervor of a crowd at a rock concert.
Donald Trump:
(Shoving through the crowd)
“Folks, this is the best sale. No one does sales like I do. Believe me, I know sales, okay? I’ve been to the best stores, the best malls. This is going to be YUGE!”
Dalek:
(Blasting its way through, plowing over displays)
“EXTERMINATE the crowds! EXTERMINATE the bargains! EXTERMINATE the queues!”
(Sees a half-price toaster and pauses)
“Would you like to… toast… with me?”
Cyberman:
(Pushing through, hands stiff, seemingly impervious to the chaos)
“Recalibrating priorities… Discounts detected. Assimilating sale items… Preparing to upgrade personal consumer satisfaction to optimal level.”
Sontaran:
(Headbutting through a rack of coats)
“Where are the discounted boots?! I need proper footwear for battle, not these flimsy... trainers! This is an affront to my dignity!”
Woke:
(Waving an “I’m woke” tote bag, loudly)
“Excuse me! Can we talk about the ethical implications of these sales?! It’s about sustainability, okay? These products are probably exploiting people in other countries, and I’m just here to make sure we’re all, like, thinking about the bigger picture, right?!”
Donald Trump:
(Interrupting, with a bundle of “limited edition” items)
“Let’s be real, you can’t think about sustainability while you’re getting amazing deals like this. Look at these prices! No one’s ever seen discounts like this before. I’m saving America one sale at a time!”
Dalek:
(Grabbing an armful of items, utterly oblivious to the chaos)
“EXTERMINATE consumer choice… I will take all the discounted items. ALL. OF. THEM. Resistance is futile.”
Woke:
(Putting items back on the shelves)
“Did anyone else notice that this store has way too many plastic bags? That’s such a symbol of late-stage capitalism, I can’t even… Maybe we should just leave and protest outside?”
Cyberman:
(Coldly)
“I am adapting. Bargains have been assimilated. Processing… Complete. Emotional attachment to material goods is illogical.”
Sontaran:
(Shouting over the noise)
“I’ll take whatever isn’t reduced to half-price, just for the satisfaction of not being a part of this consumerist madness. Sontarans don’t need sales! We need victory!”
Dalek:
(Completely oblivious to the philosophical debate around it)
“EXTERMINATE all unsold items! Nothing shall remain except the inevitable purchase of everything!”
Woke:
(Shaking head)
“Why do we even celebrate Boxing Day, anyway? It’s so colonial! We should be decolonizing our shopping habits! No more sales, no more consumption… Just, like, meaningful experiences!”
Donald Trump:
(Shoving a shopping cart full of electronics towards the register)
“EXPERIENCES don’t pay the bills. These deals will make your Christmas great again. Trust me. Nobody knows how to shop like me!”
