Title: "The Mastermind Meeting: A Bigly Vision for the Future"
Scene: A gaudy gold-plated boardroom in Mar-a-Lago. Trump sits at the head of the table, eating a cheeseburger, while Elon Musk paces the room with a tablet, displaying a dazzling array of incomprehensible flowcharts and vague buzzwords. An oversized American flag dominates one wall, with a neon sign beneath it that reads, "Winning!"
Trump (waving a ketchup-stained napkin):
Alright, Elon, lay it on me. Big ideas. The biggest ideas. Tremendous. I’m listening.
Musk (adjusting his collar, eyes gleaming with ambition):
Mr. President, I’ve been thinking… what America needs is not just greatness. We need an evolved America. Something streamlined, efficient, and… well… let’s call it optimised.
Trump (nodding sagely, though clearly confused):
Optimized. I like that. I optimize all the time. I’m the most optimized guy you’ll ever meet. My doctors say I’m the healthiest. Perfect optimization.
Musk (smiling tightly):
Exactly. Now, picture this: A nation where everything is engineered for perfection. A future where everyone is assigned their most productive role based on data. We’ll call it… the Order of Ultimate Efficiency.
Trump (perking up):
Ultimate efficiency! That sounds like something I’d come up with. Tremendous. People love my ideas. We’ll make it happen. Huge. What’s next?
Musk (gesturing grandly to a screen that suddenly displays a sleek logo with the initials "OUE"):
We start by implementing a ranking system. Every citizen evaluated—scientifically. Their intelligence, strength, charisma—all measured. It’s merit-based, Mr. President. You know, like my companies.
Trump (grinning):
Merit! Yes, yes! I’ve always said merit is important. Like how I hire only the best people. Just look at Rudy!
The screen now shows a diagram of a pyramid labeled "Elon’s Plan." At the top is a glowing figure with Musk’s face superimposed onto a golden body.
Musk (pointing at the pyramid):
The best and brightest will rise to the top, of course. And naturally, someone visionary will oversee the whole system. A leader.
Trump (leaning forward, his eyes narrowing):
A leader? You mean… me. Right?
Musk (laughing nervously):
Of course, of course! Who else? But we’ll need strict discipline to make this work. People must follow rules. We’ll have uniforms, parades, maybe a few… modifications to the Constitution.
Trump (beaming):
Uniforms! I love uniforms. Very classy. Everyone looks sharp. You know, I look great in a uniform. Best-looking president in a uniform since Lincoln, probably.
Musk (hesitant, but pressing forward):
Absolutely. And we’ll need a youth program to instil loyalty from a young age. You know, kids learning discipline, technology, maybe even robotics.
Trump (clapping his hands):
Kids love me! They chant my name at rallies. Tremendous idea. Tremendous.
An aide timidly approaches and whispers in Trump’s ear.
Aide (muttering):
Mr. President, this plan… uh… it’s giving off a bit of a, um, 1930s European vibe, if you catch my drift.
Trump (waving him off impatiently):
Nonsense! Everyone loves the 1930s. Great music. Great style. And I was told I’d have been very popular in Europe back then. Ask anyone.
Musk (now fully committed, gesturing wildly):
Mr. President, think about it! America—optimized. Everyone in their place. A future where we don’t have to argue over silly things like “freedom” or “individuality.” It’s all data-driven.
Trump (nodding vigorously):
Data-driven. Yes. I love data. No one knows data better than me. They’re always saying, “Sir, you’ve got the best data.” But let’s tweak the name of your plan. What was it again?
Musk (pausing, suddenly realising the optics):
Um… maybe we could rebrand. Call it something… less Germanic?
Trump (leaning back, stroking his chin dramatically):
How about… America 2.0?
Musk (visibly relieved):
Perfect. A new operating system for the nation.
Trump stands, raising his cheeseburger like a sceptre.
Trump (bellowing):
America 2.0! The ultimate upgrade! Elon, you’re a genius. Together, we’ll make this country run smoother than one of your Teslas. Tremendous. Just don’t make the uniforms too fancy—I don’t want people looking better than me.
Musk (with a sly grin):
Understood, Mr. President. Shall we tweet the announcement?
Trump (grinning like a child with a new toy):
Oh, we’ll do better than that. We’ll hold the biggest rally ever. America 2.0! People are going to love it.
As the two shake hands, the camera pans to the aide, who is quietly Googling “countries that don’t extradite to The Hague.”
Fade to black.
