BLIND DATE: The Absurd Edition
(The set is bathed in bright lights, and the signature theme music plays. The audience claps and cheers. Cilla Black steps up to the front, wearing her trademark smile.)
Cilla Black:
Welcome to Blind Date, where we match love with a little bit of... madness! Today, we’ve got something special for you folks at home—a lineup of extraordinary contestants, all vying for the chance to win the heart of our mystery guest. But before we meet the guest, let’s meet our contestants!
(The camera zooms to the contestants sitting behind the screens. Cilla looks over and gives a knowing look before addressing the first contestant.)
Cilla Black:
Contestant number one—George Costanza! George, tell us a bit about yourself.
George Costanza:
Uh, well... I’m a bit of a, uh, professional... wait, no, I’m not really a professional at anything. But I know a lot about... uh, ruining relationships. I’m great at sabotaging myself. You know, I’m basically like a human disaster. Which, I guess, makes me... the most real option here, right?
Cilla Black:
Right, George! We’ll see about that!
(Cilla moves on to contestant number two.)
Cilla Black:
Contestant number two—Donald Trump! Donald, what’s your idea of a perfect date?
Donald Trump:
The perfect date? Well, it’s obvious. A luxury yacht, a five-star dinner, a gold-plated bottle of wine... Just total success all around. I mean, I’ve dated a lot of people, the best people, okay? You want someone who understands winning, and I’m a winner. The date has to be on my level. Nothing less than the best. I’m telling you, I’m the best choice.
Cilla Black:
(Nods with a smile, trying not to laugh.)
Well, there you go. Confidence is key, eh? Let’s move on to contestant number three!
(The camera zooms to a mechanical whirring sound as the Dalek sits behind the screen, its harsh metallic voice booming.)
Cilla Black:
Contestant number three—Dalek! Tell us, Dalek, what makes you the ideal partner for a date?
Dalek:
I am an EXTERMINATOR of emotional weakness. I will eliminate all obstacles to love. I offer efficiency, logic, and perfection. Humans are illogical. I will EXTERMINATE your self-doubt and feelings of insecurity. Love will be... ORDERLY under my control.
Cilla Black:
(Trying to contain her laughter.)
Right... a bit intense there, Dalek. But thank you! Now, let's meet our mystery guest, who will decide the winner of today’s Blind Date… Please welcome, the one, the only... our special guest... the Orangutan!
(The camera swings to the Orangutan, sitting in a director's chair, wearing sunglasses and a big, self-assured grin. He swings his arms dramatically.)
Orangutan:
(Excitedly gesturing.)
YEAH! Let’s do this! I’ve got a lot of wisdom to share! Alright, I’ve been watching... and I’ve got my eye on the best option!
(Cilla steps aside and gestures to the contestants.)
Cilla Black:
So, Orangutan, you've had the chance to listen to our contestants. What are you looking for in a date?
Orangutan:
I want someone who knows how to swing through life, take risks, and just have fun. They’ve got to be able to laugh at themselves and know when to jump in with both hands, you know?
Cilla Black:
(Smiling at the Orangutan’s choice of words.)
Well, it seems like you’ve got your criteria set. So, Orangutan— who’s your pick?*
(The Orangutan looks dramatically at each contestant, bobbing his head up and down, then scratches his chin thoughtfully.)
Orangutan:
Hmm... George, you’re too much of a disaster for me. Trump, I don’t think I can handle all that winning talk. Dalek, you’re a bit too... exterminate-y for my taste. You all have your... uh... qualities, but I think I’ve made my choice.
Cilla Black:
(Pauses for dramatic effect.)
And who is the lucky winner, Orangutan?
Orangutan:
(Pauses, then jumps up with excitement.)
It’s DAL-EEK!
(The Dalek’s eye stalk swivels up, and a robotic voice echoes through the studio.)
Dalek:
EXTERMINATION... of competition... is complete! I have won. I will eliminate all emotional weaknesses on our date!
Cilla Black:
(Laughs nervously, clearly trying to keep it together.)
*Well, that’s one way to do it! Congratulations to Dalek, and better luck next time to George and Donald! Thanks for joining us on this chaotic Blind Date! I’m Cilla Black, and remember—don’t call us, we’ll call you!
(The camera zooms out as Cilla waves, the Dalek awkwardly tries to wave back, and the Orangutan flips through a magazine, completely uninterested. The audience laughs as the credits roll.)
End Scene.
