[Scene: A Major City Park, Early Morning]
George Costanza, Donald Trump, and a Dalek have been assigned the monumental task of cleaning off all the pigeon droppings from every monument in the park.
[The team, stands before the first monument: a massive, statuesque figure. The air smells faintly of... well, pigeon droppings.]
Trump (adjusting his suit and looking at the pile of droppings):
“This is ridiculous. I’m the President, folks. Why am I cleaning up pigeon poop? I’ve had the best people clean up after me. I should be at a golf course right now, not... this.”
He picks up the cleaning supplies—seemingly with great reluctance—and starts waving a broom around, but not really aiming at the droppings.
Trump:
“This is the biggest mess I’ve ever seen. Nobody has seen a mess like this. But don’t worry, I’ll clean it up. Trust me, it’s going to be huge.”
He lifts the broom and awkwardly tries to sweep the pigeon droppings, but it only succeeds in sending them flying further across the monument.
Trump (grumbling):
“Terrible broom. I can’t work with this broom. It’s the worst broom. Believe me, I’ve used better brooms.”
George (eyeing the mess, sweating profusely):
“Oh, this is it. This is how I die. Cleaning bird crap... this is where my life has taken me. I’m going to be remembered for this. What’s next? Scrubbing toilets in the White House?”
George, in a fit of panic, picks up a bucket and begins splashing water all over the monument in an attempt to wash away the mess. But instead, the water splashes back onto him, drenching his clothes.
George (wiping his face, annoyed):
“Oh, great! Just great! I’m covered in pigeon filth now! This is why I never leave my apartment.”
He looks up at the sky, pleading for some sort of divine intervention. A pigeon promptly flies overhead and poops directly on his shoulder.
George (screaming):
“This is my life! I’m cursed! Cursed!”
Dalek (rolls up with its mechanical arm extended):
“EXTERMINATE the filth! EXTERMINATE all waste! The Pigeon menace will be eradicated!”
Dalek, as usual, is all business. It doesn’t even flinch at the sight of the droppings, simply rolling over to the statue and launching a series of laser blasts at the pigeon droppings. The blasts hit the monument with such force that they knock loose entire chunks of the statue—along with all of the bird poop.
Dalek (loudly):
“The filth is eradicated! But the statue is... damaged. This task was a failure. EXTERMINATE the weakness!”
Trump (looking at Dalek, incredulously):
“You can’t just blow up the monuments, Dalek! This isn’t the way! We need a strategy!”
George (pointing to the mess on his shirt):
“I don’t need a strategy! I need a towel! And a therapist. And a bottle of whiskey.”
[A few hours later]
The three are still at it, with no progress to show. Trump’s broom is now a broken, sad mess of bristles, George is trying to scrape bird poop off with his bare hands, and Dalek is relentlessly firing laser beams at anything that even remotely resembles pigeon waste.
Dalek (frustrated):
“I have failed. EXTERMINATION is the only solution.”
Trump (exasperated):
“No, no, NO! You can’t just destroy everything! You’ll end up blowing up the park! Just sweep it, like a normal person!”
George (throwing his hands up in the air):
“I CAN’T DO THIS! I CAN’T DO THIS! This is beyond me! Why did I think I could be a part of any team?!”
[End scene.]
