Scene: A sleek, high-tech health food dispenser at a trendy vegan café. The machine is sleek, metallic, with a glowing LED screen that pulses with messages about wellness and sustainability.
Woke Hipster: (entering, wearing eco-friendly attire, a tote bag that reads "Radical Compassion," and sporting a slightly over-the-top enthusiasm) "I’m here to nourish my body and soul with the latest in ethically sourced, cruelty-free, and entirely plant-based nutrition!"
(Approaching the machine, they swipe their reusable card, but the screen flashes an error message.)
Woke Hipster: (furrowing brows) "Oh no, not again. This machine better align with my values. I'm so tired of the corporate oppression embedded in these capitalist food systems."
Machine: (blaring, robotic voice) "Error! You are not qualified for this selection. Please ensure your dietary preferences are in alignment with approved guidelines. Please answer the following questions: Is your carbon footprint truly offset by your purchase?"
Woke Hipster: (sputtering) "What?! My carbon footprint? I... I have a carbon offset subscription. I only buy biodegradable, locally sourced hemp towels. I meditate before every meal!"
Machine: "Please confirm: Are you personally aware of the intersectionality of quinoa farming and its impact on Indigenous communities in the Andes? Or, do you endorse its consumption without critical reflection?"
Woke Hipster: (shocked) "Are you questioning my commitment to social justice?!" (stands up straight, pointing at the machine) "Let me tell you, I’ve read all of Bell Hooks, I’m so into collective liberation, and you can’t just throw questions like that at me!"
Machine: "Insufficient response. Would you like to opt into a 10-minute guided meditation on the environmental impact of superfoods? Failure to answer adequately will result in a refusal of service."
Woke Hipster: (gripping the edge of the counter) "This is exactly the kind of unexamined privilege I’ve been trying to combat! A machine that won’t even let me eat my kale chips in peace because I didn’t self-critique enough?!"
(They pause, trying to regain their composure, and mutter to themselves.)
Woke Hipster: "I’ll just have a smoothie... with almond milk... which is, of course, more ethical than soy. But why is almond milk even controversial? Maybe I’ll just get a... macrobiotic bowl and process my feelings on this later."
Later, another Woke Hipster approaches the sleek, modern health food dispenser. They've heard it’s revolutionary—an AI that offers food based on your values. Eager to use it, they swipe their card. The screen flashes and displays a CAPTCHA.
Woke Hipster: (leaning in, ready to get their smoothie) "Finally, a machine that understands the struggle! Here we go... let's see what we've got."
Screen: "Please complete the CAPTCHA to verify you are human and committed to the revolution of healthy living."
Woke Hipster: "Of course. I’m ready to engage." (They read the first question.) "Identify the image that best represents ‘diversity’!" (They click on a photo of a multicultural group of people.)
Screen: "Incorrect. Please try again."
Woke Hipster: (frowning) "What? No way! That was... totally on point! Okay, let’s see… maybe this time I'll get it right."
Screen: "Identify the image that aligns with your values of environmental sustainability."
(They confidently select an image of solar panels and a wind turbine.)
Screen: "Incorrect. Try again."
Woke Hipster: (furious now) "This is outrageous! My values are top-tier! I live sustainability. I own a compost bin! What’s going on with this CAPTCHA?!"
Screen: "Identify the image that supports ethical consumption practices."
Woke Hipster: (clicking on an image of fair trade coffee beans) "This better be it. Fair trade is everything!"
Screen: "Incorrect. Select the image that represents the celebration of diverse viewpoints."
Woke Hipster: (deep breath) "Diverse viewpoints? I... I’m all for radical inclusivity, but I won’t support racist viewpoints or oppressive ideologies." (They select a picture of a protest for equality.)
Screen: "Incorrect. Please select an image of something you violently disapprove of."
Woke Hipster: (staring in horror) "What?! This is not ethical at all!" (The screen flashes images of things they despise: plastic straws, corporate greed, a “Make America Great Again” hat, a factory farm, and a lavish mansion.)
Woke Hipster: (almost trembling) "I—NO! This is—this is wrong! I... I hate all of this! I... I can't... I’m supposed to identify things I hate? I can’t! It’s against my entire belief system!"
(The Woke Hipster panics, trying to avoid clicking any of the abhorrent images. Sweat beads on their forehead.)
Woke Hipster: "This is capitalist oppression at its finest! It’s forcing me to pick something I despise... FORCED participation in systems of hate!"
Screen: "Failure to comply. Your values do not match the program’s required standards. Please reflect on your privilege before continuing."
Woke Hipster: (smacking the machine) "I refuse to be reduced to this! This is a microcosm of the entire system I’ve spent years fighting against—reductive binary thinking imposed by machines! I’m choosing to decolonize my response!"
Screen: "Thank you for your submission. Would you like to proceed to Phase Two of your purchase—selecting from a range of overpriced organic, gluten-free snack items?"
Woke Hipster: (staring blankly) "No... I can’t take it. This is the ultimate betrayal. It was supposed to be a revolutionary wellness experience, and now... now it's just part of the capitalist machine that commodifies every ounce of my soul."
(They storm off, muttering about the “commodification of radical consciousness” and how everything is part of the system.)
